I have witnessed joy in moments of sadness. I have seen the broken become whole. I have seen people healed. I have seen the strong, the angry, the hateful all fall on there knees upon meeting Christ for the first time.
I have heard stories of 5 year olds standing up for god only to be shot through the head by an AK a few seconds later. I have witnessed the poor giving and the rich taking. I have witnessed the weak win against the strong. I have seen the unforgivable forgiven.
When I look back at my whole life, it’s hard not to realize how incredible the things I have seen are. The things I have survived.
And now I’m adding a new part to my journey. Christmas this year is rough. I’m in Africa which is incredible surrounded by incredible people, but I would be a complete liar to say it felt like Christmas to me. Because it honestly doesn’t. we just put up our tree, my families not here to embarrass me. I don’t get to hear my brothers making the same stupid jokes, or play the silly games. I don’t get to go to my friend’s silly parties that usually leave me questioning our sanity. So well life is incredible here I do miss home at this time of year.
The other day I felt a bit down and one of the Youth Leaders, James, said hi to me via facebook. He pointed out how crazy it was we could talk well being so far away. And its true how crazy is it?! anyway we talked and I told him about what has been happening and life here and he told me about stuff in vic. And it was encouraging to know that what I’m doing is building peoples faith in Canada; even when I can’t see it.
Sometimes being here is bitter sweet. I’m becoming so comfortable with preaching but I don’t want to be a preacher. I’m realizing there is a part of me that’s scared to step out at times. In music and in speaking. I know I’m good at both of these I’m not being prideful in this I have been complemented all around the world (literally in Canada, the US, Europe, Africa) at what I have said and my singing. But the truth is I’m scared to step out because I guess sometimes I don’t feel like I’m good enough to. I feel like I have made so many mistakes people would be foolish to listen to me. I feel like well I might have something valid to say its buried under a lot of crap.
Today was rough again; I spent most of the day just resting after being at another all night prayer meeting. I went to school with Peter but then decided to go for a walk and ended up walking for a couple of hrs. I got lost in the back country of Uganda, I don’t know who else that’s white who will EVER see the places I saw it was great. And well I’m a bit better I still feel confused at times as to why I’m here what I’m doing were is the purpose for my life here. I know bits and pieces, I know gods teaching me about trusting him and being secure in who I’m, I know that he’s teaching me to love in a whole new way. But other then that I don’t know what the plan is.
And at the same time god does amazing things. Last night I snuck out of the prayer meeting and sat in the field by our church just listening to some Christian music and worshipping god in my own way and was brought to tears in god’s presence. And on the road today I had some woman give me a mango for nothing. And a man talk to me in perfect English. I don’t know, I don’t understand god sometimes.
i can tell you i have seen some incredible things in this world. from looking out at rolling wills to admiring the strength of these people. to witnessing god in a child taking care of its baby siblings to watching someone give what little they have.
it felt so great just walking today, just me and my thoughts walking through rolling hills of banannas, mangos, mace etc. i saw wildlife i didn't know you would see this close to Mityana and just enjoyed being lost for a few hrs.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Rememberance
Tonight the power was out so I decided to put on a play list on my ipod of songs that have had meaning to me since starting this trip. I then walked into our front yard and lay down on the trampoline (yah I dunno the spelling :P) and looked at the stars and the moon. I am one of those people that loves to remember good times, sad times, all kinds of times. As I was sitting there I remembered my tattoo (yes I forget I have one sometimes) and I remembered getting it done. This sent me down a fox hole and I decided to retrace the steps of my trip, where I went, what I did, memorable moments. Etc. when I got to the end of the trip I began to think about what happened after that, seeing my friends for the first time in two months, going to a Muse concert and rocking my head till it hurt, then catching a bus to moxie’s and meeting up with Kaitlynn and Heather with my friends, the excitement of getting to see them. The laughter we had and showing off my tattoo. I remember some people’s exact words.
Then I began to think of this whole year, about how back in November my life changed so much.
See in November 2009 I learned what it was to “have a pair” I asked a girl out for the first time in my life, (I was turned down, if your reading this I’m not upset by it at all ) at the time I was torn by it. It sent me down a crazy road. I remember two days later hearing the verse Matthew 11:28 for the first time (I have heard it before but this was the FIRST time I heard it) and breaking down standing at lake Imadene with one of my closest friends Jonathan.
I put my heart in places it should never have gone, I put my spiritual/physical/mental life in places it should never have even dreamed of going. I was depressed and in such a crazy place. And all I wanted to do was run away. I remember going to my pastor, pastor Andy, and he asked me if I was going to Africa because I was trying to run from my problems? I said no, but in truth I know now I was in one way or another trying to run from my problems. I jumped on a plane and said good bye to life for two months, my plan was to go become a man and come back and get the girl and the life I thought I wanted.
Funny thing about my plan: IT WASN”T GODS PLAN! HAHA
As soon as I arrived in Africa I realized this trip was going to be much different. And God grabbed a hold of me on that trip. He changed my plans for life! I remember sitting in a nice chair over looking one of the beautiful lakes and rivers in Uganda and god talking to me so clearly as I sat there journaling. I remember hearing his voice in everything I saw. Hearing him say he had me exactly where I was meant to be. To know there was no other place and that for at least one moment in my life I was in the PERFECT place at the PERFECT time of my life. man what a feeling! I remember calling my dad at 3 in the morning to say sorry.
I remember saying goodbye to Kristie and Emery. Sitting on the couch in my home here feeling so very alone. I remember dislocating my shoulder playing soccer, drinking water that wasn’t boiled. I remember the first healing I saw.
I remember driving to Entebbe from Mityana and taking a picture out of the window and something I didn’t plan to take was in the picture: a sign that read “Slow Down” and god speaking to me about this sign and my life. I remember Williams broken window shield and god speaking to me through that. I remember traveling all over Europe completely alone, meeting angels here and there, a French guy on a train telling me when my stop was. an Italian customs officer who didn’t arrest me. A French customs officer telling me to remember to pray.
I remember sitting on the train heading to London begging god to not let me get arrested or lose the machete I had. Only to have him say “haven’t I done enough for you? haven’t I proven I will watch after you?” I remember the moment I let go of all the pain I had in my life, the moment I said I was ok.
I remember getting on a plane on my way home and thinking wow. I have been away from normal for more then two months!
After I got home life was different. I was different. I had become a man in many ways, (I’m still becoming a man in many ways) I wasn’t the same. I had many people tell me this. I remember Amber Fee telling me that I was different, more mature. I remember the feeling of culture shock, of feeling so confused and frustrated about life. I remember walking out of a service at Lion of Judah because I couldn’t stand to look at the school I helped build and feeling like I was stuck in a world I didn’t want to be a part of and having a friend right there that understood me.
I remember Trevor and Joel and I going to the break water In a storm and getting soaked! Then going to Boston pizza to meet with Heather, putting salt in all our waters to the point that Heather had the only non salted water! Haha. I remember telling one of my best friends something that to date she is the only one that knows that about me. And the relief and fear I felt in telling her. It makes me laugh to think of when I bought a watermelon took it to Jessica and Graces and asked to cut it there and never telling who it was for. I remember watching falling stars by lakes, going to out door movies, watermelon. I remember the feeling you get when you realize someone likes you and you like them. I remember the crazy fun i had in a cake eating contest with some of the best cake i have eaten. and did i mention watching shooting stars?!
I remember the way i felt (brought to tears) as City youth became one and prayed for me. the feeling i felt of knowing i was being sent off by my family there.
I think that might be enough memories for everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that as this year comes to an end, it’s hard to believe where I have come in the last year and a bit. I can’t believe I have been all over Europe and have stepped foot in three Africa countries, (one of those countries twice) and will hopefully add on a fourth by the end of this trip all in a years worth of time. I can’t believe that even now I can see I have become more of a man! I can get up and preach and it doesn’t bother me. I am learning a new language (slowly) I’m now brothers with an African named Chris, and an African named Joshua.
Man God you are incredible. To find some worth in a man like me. People say they wouldn’t change a thing about the past. Well I can tell you I wouldn’t change one moment, one breathe, or blink of an eye from this past year. I’m so glad I was rejected, because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be where I’m right now and I wouldn’t be happy like I’m right now.
Then I began to think of this whole year, about how back in November my life changed so much.
See in November 2009 I learned what it was to “have a pair” I asked a girl out for the first time in my life, (I was turned down, if your reading this I’m not upset by it at all ) at the time I was torn by it. It sent me down a crazy road. I remember two days later hearing the verse Matthew 11:28 for the first time (I have heard it before but this was the FIRST time I heard it) and breaking down standing at lake Imadene with one of my closest friends Jonathan.
I put my heart in places it should never have gone, I put my spiritual/physical/mental life in places it should never have even dreamed of going. I was depressed and in such a crazy place. And all I wanted to do was run away. I remember going to my pastor, pastor Andy, and he asked me if I was going to Africa because I was trying to run from my problems? I said no, but in truth I know now I was in one way or another trying to run from my problems. I jumped on a plane and said good bye to life for two months, my plan was to go become a man and come back and get the girl and the life I thought I wanted.
Funny thing about my plan: IT WASN”T GODS PLAN! HAHA
As soon as I arrived in Africa I realized this trip was going to be much different. And God grabbed a hold of me on that trip. He changed my plans for life! I remember sitting in a nice chair over looking one of the beautiful lakes and rivers in Uganda and god talking to me so clearly as I sat there journaling. I remember hearing his voice in everything I saw. Hearing him say he had me exactly where I was meant to be. To know there was no other place and that for at least one moment in my life I was in the PERFECT place at the PERFECT time of my life. man what a feeling! I remember calling my dad at 3 in the morning to say sorry.
I remember saying goodbye to Kristie and Emery. Sitting on the couch in my home here feeling so very alone. I remember dislocating my shoulder playing soccer, drinking water that wasn’t boiled. I remember the first healing I saw.
I remember driving to Entebbe from Mityana and taking a picture out of the window and something I didn’t plan to take was in the picture: a sign that read “Slow Down” and god speaking to me about this sign and my life. I remember Williams broken window shield and god speaking to me through that. I remember traveling all over Europe completely alone, meeting angels here and there, a French guy on a train telling me when my stop was. an Italian customs officer who didn’t arrest me. A French customs officer telling me to remember to pray.
I remember sitting on the train heading to London begging god to not let me get arrested or lose the machete I had. Only to have him say “haven’t I done enough for you? haven’t I proven I will watch after you?” I remember the moment I let go of all the pain I had in my life, the moment I said I was ok.
I remember getting on a plane on my way home and thinking wow. I have been away from normal for more then two months!
After I got home life was different. I was different. I had become a man in many ways, (I’m still becoming a man in many ways) I wasn’t the same. I had many people tell me this. I remember Amber Fee telling me that I was different, more mature. I remember the feeling of culture shock, of feeling so confused and frustrated about life. I remember walking out of a service at Lion of Judah because I couldn’t stand to look at the school I helped build and feeling like I was stuck in a world I didn’t want to be a part of and having a friend right there that understood me.
I remember Trevor and Joel and I going to the break water In a storm and getting soaked! Then going to Boston pizza to meet with Heather, putting salt in all our waters to the point that Heather had the only non salted water! Haha. I remember telling one of my best friends something that to date she is the only one that knows that about me. And the relief and fear I felt in telling her. It makes me laugh to think of when I bought a watermelon took it to Jessica and Graces and asked to cut it there and never telling who it was for. I remember watching falling stars by lakes, going to out door movies, watermelon. I remember the feeling you get when you realize someone likes you and you like them. I remember the crazy fun i had in a cake eating contest with some of the best cake i have eaten. and did i mention watching shooting stars?!
I remember the way i felt (brought to tears) as City youth became one and prayed for me. the feeling i felt of knowing i was being sent off by my family there.
I think that might be enough memories for everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that as this year comes to an end, it’s hard to believe where I have come in the last year and a bit. I can’t believe I have been all over Europe and have stepped foot in three Africa countries, (one of those countries twice) and will hopefully add on a fourth by the end of this trip all in a years worth of time. I can’t believe that even now I can see I have become more of a man! I can get up and preach and it doesn’t bother me. I am learning a new language (slowly) I’m now brothers with an African named Chris, and an African named Joshua.
Man God you are incredible. To find some worth in a man like me. People say they wouldn’t change a thing about the past. Well I can tell you I wouldn’t change one moment, one breathe, or blink of an eye from this past year. I’m so glad I was rejected, because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be where I’m right now and I wouldn’t be happy like I’m right now.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Culture shock
Culture is an interesting thing. If you are in Canada you pick up on cultural norms, if you’re in South America, Asia, or Africa; we all have different cultures. I have been sick for the past few days so I haven’t been doing a lot with myself other then resting.
But today as I went out side I put on my sandals, when I came back I stopped at the door, outside of it, removed my sandals and pushed them to the side, as I looked at this I was reminded of what little I know of Asia, the respect there is given to someone’s home. I thought about how when I am here when we great we start with praise God, followed by how people are and many other forms of greetings. Or the fact that woman get on there knees before as a sign of respect (I hate this). Thinking about this and writing about it now, I am reminded of when Christ told the disciples to go to the towns, the cities and the nations. But to go as they were; don’t go home and pack, don’t get your money out of the bank but just go. And when they went into a place and were given food, or housing, to lay a blessing on that home. See we as the church, as Christians being Christ like, have the power to bless others, when someone invites us in, one someone serves us we need to remember to bless them to ask God to bless them for what they are doing.
It’s been a hard few days for me in some ways because I don’t feel like I’m doing a lot at times. But the fact of the matter is I am not just here to do stuff for others, but I am here to learn as much as teach. I’m not that good of a preacher, not to adults at least, I can preach about 10-20 minutes worth so far, it doesn’t scare me anymore, but I feel like I’m not getting better at it. but that’s ok because Gods plan is different then mine. Sometimes he asks me to just stay at home and pray and worship and read my bible so I do that, granted it’s hard to do that at times, it gets boring quick for me.
The thing is, all this preaching I have been doing, taking on responsibility I don’t necessarily want God has been using to his own plans. I’m learning from it I’m becoming secure in whom he has made me; I no longer get nervous preaching, Or being the center of attention. I am secure in who God has made me and I’m learning to trust him through all that!
tomorrow we are starting a kids camp and with me feeling sick i'm praying i will be of use. so prayers would be great :)
But today as I went out side I put on my sandals, when I came back I stopped at the door, outside of it, removed my sandals and pushed them to the side, as I looked at this I was reminded of what little I know of Asia, the respect there is given to someone’s home. I thought about how when I am here when we great we start with praise God, followed by how people are and many other forms of greetings. Or the fact that woman get on there knees before as a sign of respect (I hate this). Thinking about this and writing about it now, I am reminded of when Christ told the disciples to go to the towns, the cities and the nations. But to go as they were; don’t go home and pack, don’t get your money out of the bank but just go. And when they went into a place and were given food, or housing, to lay a blessing on that home. See we as the church, as Christians being Christ like, have the power to bless others, when someone invites us in, one someone serves us we need to remember to bless them to ask God to bless them for what they are doing.
It’s been a hard few days for me in some ways because I don’t feel like I’m doing a lot at times. But the fact of the matter is I am not just here to do stuff for others, but I am here to learn as much as teach. I’m not that good of a preacher, not to adults at least, I can preach about 10-20 minutes worth so far, it doesn’t scare me anymore, but I feel like I’m not getting better at it. but that’s ok because Gods plan is different then mine. Sometimes he asks me to just stay at home and pray and worship and read my bible so I do that, granted it’s hard to do that at times, it gets boring quick for me.
The thing is, all this preaching I have been doing, taking on responsibility I don’t necessarily want God has been using to his own plans. I’m learning from it I’m becoming secure in whom he has made me; I no longer get nervous preaching, Or being the center of attention. I am secure in who God has made me and I’m learning to trust him through all that!
tomorrow we are starting a kids camp and with me feeling sick i'm praying i will be of use. so prayers would be great :)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Lifehouse Youth
So today i sat down with pastor and talked about a dream i have. that dream is that once a week people from that ages of 15 to 25 would meet, for about 1.5 to 2 hrs, we would start with worship and prayer, then preaching and then group time. the point of this is to build each other and learn about god. pastor has given me the good ahead and i will be running it. I am excited and scared. i have never been the "head" of something like this. knowing that i will be preaching most weeks, leading worship, leading this whole thing. its a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure when we will be starting but my guess it will be earily in the new year or in the next couple of weeks. i will keep you posted.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I have resigned myself to reckless abandonment
It feels like forever since I have posted in my blog. Its been hard to find the words, to give a descriptive, informative post at times. But I will try to do so with this one.
God has been doing a lot of reshaping in me these last couple of weeks. Its been expected and at times unwelcome, but that is what happens when you tell god to do his worse.
Since the beginning of this trip God has been teaching me about Love, being on fire for god, trust, and being bold.
I spend a lot of time talking about God, resting in God, and talking about life with my pastor, my mentor, and my teacher, Robert Mponye. He is a great friend to me well I’m here.
My mind is always running a thousand miles a minute. When I sat on the bus ripping down roads covered in dirt and pot holes with the moon and some stars to help us navigate the terrain in Uganda, I remember just staring out and enjoying the view. I could see rolling mountains and grassy fields, all lit by the moon. Casting a beautiful silvery color over everything, I could see the shadows creeping around where the moon or stars couldn’t catch them. As if they were laughing because the light couldn’t reach them.
This is kind of like the devil. God will shine a light, but the enemy will try his best to hide in places and laugh because he thinks he has gotten where God can’t reach him. the problem is he forgets that the earth rotates and God isn’t happy to just stay in one place. I guess what I’m saying is, even when you sometimes feel like your stuck, away from your family, your best friends, away from everything you are happy with, when your stuck in a dark place it can be easily to lose sight of the fact that God shines even in those places.
I have had some dark days since arriving in Uganda. On that bus I finally felt safe once I was in Uganda, but I also miss my home, but I don’t mean home in the sense of the house I grow up in but rather, I miss the cold, I miss the snow, I miss the Christmas lights, laughing with family and friends, I miss my friends, and my family, I miss my girl. And sometimes the enemy gets in and this is all I can see. But then other times God reminds me why I’m here: to learn and grow. And so yes well I miss those things everyday and sometimes its harder then other times, I know that god will take care of me. I know that god is using me and is building a man in me that the world has yet to see. See I love in crazy love when he says, “there will never be another francis chan” because you know what. There will never be another Joel Peter Yager. I have one life to live and the tasks god has for my life no other human can complete. So everyday I feel like curling in a ball cuz I miss my life that is on pause for a moment, I remind myself that I’m here for the glory of god and that any task he asks me to complete I will do to his glory.
And when we surrender our lives to God you know what happens? You start to witness the unbelievable. You find your ok standing up in front of a church and bolding proclaiming that god is bringing a fresh anointing. You aren’t scared to stand up in front of 40 people, of which half are older then you, and tell them that God isn’t satisfied with Luke warm life’s and the timid. That he wants the people on fire and the ones that will be as bold as lions. When your asked twenty minutes before to take care of 80-100 kids for an hour and lead them in worship and preaching, you might joke around about it you might be a bit scared but you race home and you grab a guitar and race back to the school, look at your watch and see you have five minutes so you pull up the internet and find a song that is simple enough to teach play through it once and then you go and teach it to those kids, and you sing your lungs out and then preach.
Life really is easier when you just trust god and go with his flow.
God has been doing a lot of reshaping in me these last couple of weeks. Its been expected and at times unwelcome, but that is what happens when you tell god to do his worse.
Since the beginning of this trip God has been teaching me about Love, being on fire for god, trust, and being bold.
I spend a lot of time talking about God, resting in God, and talking about life with my pastor, my mentor, and my teacher, Robert Mponye. He is a great friend to me well I’m here.
My mind is always running a thousand miles a minute. When I sat on the bus ripping down roads covered in dirt and pot holes with the moon and some stars to help us navigate the terrain in Uganda, I remember just staring out and enjoying the view. I could see rolling mountains and grassy fields, all lit by the moon. Casting a beautiful silvery color over everything, I could see the shadows creeping around where the moon or stars couldn’t catch them. As if they were laughing because the light couldn’t reach them.
This is kind of like the devil. God will shine a light, but the enemy will try his best to hide in places and laugh because he thinks he has gotten where God can’t reach him. the problem is he forgets that the earth rotates and God isn’t happy to just stay in one place. I guess what I’m saying is, even when you sometimes feel like your stuck, away from your family, your best friends, away from everything you are happy with, when your stuck in a dark place it can be easily to lose sight of the fact that God shines even in those places.
I have had some dark days since arriving in Uganda. On that bus I finally felt safe once I was in Uganda, but I also miss my home, but I don’t mean home in the sense of the house I grow up in but rather, I miss the cold, I miss the snow, I miss the Christmas lights, laughing with family and friends, I miss my friends, and my family, I miss my girl. And sometimes the enemy gets in and this is all I can see. But then other times God reminds me why I’m here: to learn and grow. And so yes well I miss those things everyday and sometimes its harder then other times, I know that god will take care of me. I know that god is using me and is building a man in me that the world has yet to see. See I love in crazy love when he says, “there will never be another francis chan” because you know what. There will never be another Joel Peter Yager. I have one life to live and the tasks god has for my life no other human can complete. So everyday I feel like curling in a ball cuz I miss my life that is on pause for a moment, I remind myself that I’m here for the glory of god and that any task he asks me to complete I will do to his glory.
And when we surrender our lives to God you know what happens? You start to witness the unbelievable. You find your ok standing up in front of a church and bolding proclaiming that god is bringing a fresh anointing. You aren’t scared to stand up in front of 40 people, of which half are older then you, and tell them that God isn’t satisfied with Luke warm life’s and the timid. That he wants the people on fire and the ones that will be as bold as lions. When your asked twenty minutes before to take care of 80-100 kids for an hour and lead them in worship and preaching, you might joke around about it you might be a bit scared but you race home and you grab a guitar and race back to the school, look at your watch and see you have five minutes so you pull up the internet and find a song that is simple enough to teach play through it once and then you go and teach it to those kids, and you sing your lungs out and then preach.
Life really is easier when you just trust god and go with his flow.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
doing all things to the glory of god.
so today i have a bit of time on my hands which is great!
i went with pastor to a church in kampala on sunday. and on the two hour drive i was informed that pastor wanted me to preach! so i desided i would preach on rest as from about two weeks into this trip thats when god started to teach be about resting in him. we got to the church and are there worshiping and all of a sudden i realized i didn't feel very nervious which is weird for me! then i started to get nervious but i desided to try and work through this and think about it and as i thought i realized that i was here to do what god asked me to do and to share for the kingdom of god not for myself. and i remembered the support i had of friends, of my youth group my church, family, girlfriend. and it gave me the strength to preach what i needed to preach, but then it went one step more i began to speak in tongues!
and from that i asked god do you have a word for this church and he said why yes i do and gave me a prophetic word for the church about a new down pour that was going to happen in there church a fresh anointing (it helped that 20 mins later it began to pour cats and dogs) after i shared the word i shared about finding rest in god and it was incredible. since then i'm ok with this crazyness. this morning i learned that i will be preaching tonight and tomorrow and it was like no problem plenty of time to hear what god has for me to say!
god is teaching me a lot about hearing him, trusting him, and controling my emotions. the big things are trust and love though. loving where its not always easy for me to love. and trust when its not easy to trust. sometimes i miss canada, i miss the snow, the stars in the sky the break water. my life here is much more strict at times. i can't simply just get in a car when i need space. so god is teaching me to trust him to provide and be there for me. and also to take control of my emotions (the worrying, missing people, etc). everyday i get time with god and i get to learn more. theres only so much to do. watch movies, read a book, go to school or stay at home. but in the new year and around christmas my life will begin to get much more busy.
i went with pastor to a church in kampala on sunday. and on the two hour drive i was informed that pastor wanted me to preach! so i desided i would preach on rest as from about two weeks into this trip thats when god started to teach be about resting in him. we got to the church and are there worshiping and all of a sudden i realized i didn't feel very nervious which is weird for me! then i started to get nervious but i desided to try and work through this and think about it and as i thought i realized that i was here to do what god asked me to do and to share for the kingdom of god not for myself. and i remembered the support i had of friends, of my youth group my church, family, girlfriend. and it gave me the strength to preach what i needed to preach, but then it went one step more i began to speak in tongues!
and from that i asked god do you have a word for this church and he said why yes i do and gave me a prophetic word for the church about a new down pour that was going to happen in there church a fresh anointing (it helped that 20 mins later it began to pour cats and dogs) after i shared the word i shared about finding rest in god and it was incredible. since then i'm ok with this crazyness. this morning i learned that i will be preaching tonight and tomorrow and it was like no problem plenty of time to hear what god has for me to say!
god is teaching me a lot about hearing him, trusting him, and controling my emotions. the big things are trust and love though. loving where its not always easy for me to love. and trust when its not easy to trust. sometimes i miss canada, i miss the snow, the stars in the sky the break water. my life here is much more strict at times. i can't simply just get in a car when i need space. so god is teaching me to trust him to provide and be there for me. and also to take control of my emotions (the worrying, missing people, etc). everyday i get time with god and i get to learn more. theres only so much to do. watch movies, read a book, go to school or stay at home. but in the new year and around christmas my life will begin to get much more busy.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
greetings times a hundred
life in Africa is very very different from home. i'm reminded of this daily! everything from power outages everyday sometime lasting all day to the simple smells or even greetings.
in Africa a good portion of a conversation can be taken up by greeting someone (sorry kris, in Uganda :P). first there is the how are you sentence, sometimes followed by praise god, followed by thank yous or your welcomes followed by oks. its a crazy thing. i swear i spend more time saying hello or good bye then doing anything else!
todays been hard. each days different some are easy some are hard. i started reading a book today though called "crazy love" and every page i read i have been in tears at. its a comfort to me and so hard to put down. i really encourage people to look into reading it. i think it has a message for anyone regardless of where you might be in your life or in the world. books are sometimes all i have for things to do. when the powers out my computer doesn't work because i have no battery so all i can do is read or listen to music. this can be difficult cuz it means my mind can wonder.
today i'm preaching to the kids at chapel, i honestly haven't a clue on what really, probably on how amazing god is and how important it is to follow him and give our lives to him. and at some point we will be cooking grasshoppers for the kids which they will love
grasshoppers are actually pretty good. i had them yesterday the texture and taste is basically chicken. so there not half bad.
i dunno what else to write right this moment, i'm not feeling overly motivated to write today lol today is a day i just wonna curl up and sleep or listen to music haha.
in Africa a good portion of a conversation can be taken up by greeting someone (sorry kris, in Uganda :P). first there is the how are you sentence, sometimes followed by praise god, followed by thank yous or your welcomes followed by oks. its a crazy thing. i swear i spend more time saying hello or good bye then doing anything else!
todays been hard. each days different some are easy some are hard. i started reading a book today though called "crazy love" and every page i read i have been in tears at. its a comfort to me and so hard to put down. i really encourage people to look into reading it. i think it has a message for anyone regardless of where you might be in your life or in the world. books are sometimes all i have for things to do. when the powers out my computer doesn't work because i have no battery so all i can do is read or listen to music. this can be difficult cuz it means my mind can wonder.
today i'm preaching to the kids at chapel, i honestly haven't a clue on what really, probably on how amazing god is and how important it is to follow him and give our lives to him. and at some point we will be cooking grasshoppers for the kids which they will love
grasshoppers are actually pretty good. i had them yesterday the texture and taste is basically chicken. so there not half bad.
i dunno what else to write right this moment, i'm not feeling overly motivated to write today lol today is a day i just wonna curl up and sleep or listen to music haha.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
washing in hopes of getting clean!
two blog posts in one day?! haha.
today i have been learning how to wash my clothes africa style. its harder then it looks! i have blisters on my hands actualy from it :P
i sat down with pastor today and have learned some of my duties. these duties will include but are not only just these:
everyday around 7 at nigt i will attend the kids prayer time at school and pray with them and bless them and be with them and pour into them.
i will be attending a all night prayer session from what i understand on friday night, as well as at some point in december i will be at a meeting with all the pastors and leaders in our church.
around the 11th some teachers from aussie are coming to work with the kids so i will also be helping with this!
in the new year i will be one of around 50 to 70 students in a 3 week bible school. and around this and i think a bit after i will also be working with some fellow pastors going to the villages and doing an outreach program.
these are just a few of the things i will be doing. and i have told god what ever is put before me i will do to the glory of his kingdom.
i know some were asking for the address of where i'm living i will try to get it for you as soon as i can.
today i have been learning how to wash my clothes africa style. its harder then it looks! i have blisters on my hands actualy from it :P
i sat down with pastor today and have learned some of my duties. these duties will include but are not only just these:
everyday around 7 at nigt i will attend the kids prayer time at school and pray with them and bless them and be with them and pour into them.
i will be attending a all night prayer session from what i understand on friday night, as well as at some point in december i will be at a meeting with all the pastors and leaders in our church.
around the 11th some teachers from aussie are coming to work with the kids so i will also be helping with this!
in the new year i will be one of around 50 to 70 students in a 3 week bible school. and around this and i think a bit after i will also be working with some fellow pastors going to the villages and doing an outreach program.
these are just a few of the things i will be doing. and i have told god what ever is put before me i will do to the glory of his kingdom.
i know some were asking for the address of where i'm living i will try to get it for you as soon as i can.
Monday, November 22, 2010
waking up just to fall asleep again.
ok now that i have actually slept through a night finally (bus travel messes you up) my thoughts are a bit more normal :)
a quick blur to finish up burundi. clinics were great i didn't see a ton of crazy healings this time around but i saw a lot of salvations, which to me were better then healings because i find with healing its not always permanent but salvation is everlasting. God taught me a lot about not feeling inadequate and that even though I don’t have the training of the nurses, or the doctors, or some of the pastors with us, he was still able to use me and I had skills others on the trip didn’t have skills that were needed.
I stayed on in Burundi till Sunday with some of the team and just explored a bit of the capital city this was pretty fun, nothing exciting really.
On Sunday morning I caught a bus from buju to kampala. I went through Rwanda, this was a very interesting experience. We got to the boarders and were kicked of the bus well it drove through then we were funneled at times like cattle through different check points. I crossed the Ugandan boarder at night and the moon was out as we went atleast 100kms an hr down a road that you should maybe be going 50 kms an hr on. It was nice just to drive in the dark and sleep a bit and listen to my music. I arrived in a seedy part of kampala at 12:45 at night and was picked up by a friend and taken to a very very cheap hotel (thankfully I was tired enough that I didn’t pay much attention) the next morning we drove to Mityana my new home for the next 6 months, I slept most of the drive hahah.
Now that I’m here I don’t know what to think I’m just going to trust god is going to do amazing things in this time and take what ever is thrown at me.
If god wants me to use this time to rest I will rest, if he wants me to use this time to build I will build. But I will do all things for the god who saves
a quick blur to finish up burundi. clinics were great i didn't see a ton of crazy healings this time around but i saw a lot of salvations, which to me were better then healings because i find with healing its not always permanent but salvation is everlasting. God taught me a lot about not feeling inadequate and that even though I don’t have the training of the nurses, or the doctors, or some of the pastors with us, he was still able to use me and I had skills others on the trip didn’t have skills that were needed.
I stayed on in Burundi till Sunday with some of the team and just explored a bit of the capital city this was pretty fun, nothing exciting really.
On Sunday morning I caught a bus from buju to kampala. I went through Rwanda, this was a very interesting experience. We got to the boarders and were kicked of the bus well it drove through then we were funneled at times like cattle through different check points. I crossed the Ugandan boarder at night and the moon was out as we went atleast 100kms an hr down a road that you should maybe be going 50 kms an hr on. It was nice just to drive in the dark and sleep a bit and listen to my music. I arrived in a seedy part of kampala at 12:45 at night and was picked up by a friend and taken to a very very cheap hotel (thankfully I was tired enough that I didn’t pay much attention) the next morning we drove to Mityana my new home for the next 6 months, I slept most of the drive hahah.
Now that I’m here I don’t know what to think I’m just going to trust god is going to do amazing things in this time and take what ever is thrown at me.
If god wants me to use this time to rest I will rest, if he wants me to use this time to build I will build. But I will do all things for the god who saves
First Impressions of an unstable mind in Burundi
I want to start by saying sorry to everyone at home for the last ten days; I have been away from computers and internet for the whole time. It’s near none existent in Burundi, but at last if your reading this. I’m safely in Uganda!
I want to take a moment to warn everyone
!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!
This blog may not always be pretty. You may see swearing you may hear stories that might not be the prettiest stories in the world, or you may just not like my writing style, bad spelling, or believes. Sorry this is my blog write your own if you don’t like it!
Seriously though I love you all please read it. I just wanted to warn people as some of the things I may sure may not be G rated, and may even go up to R rated :) all that being said I will try to be as nice as possible.
Ok warning is done you have been warned I don’t want to hear any whining.
I started my journey from Canada on November the 3rd, a Wednesday. I said good bye to Victoria as I jumped the 3 o clock ferry. This was almost it soon there would be no turning back. I said some last good byes via texts as I waited for a journey of a life time to begin. Once on the other side I was picked up by my friend’s father, after sitting in traffic for quite some time I got to the airport and waited for Christina our leader to meet me with the Impact nation bags I would be taking with me. Once I had the bags it was go time. I sat in the airport texting a few more people and then it was time to board. Here we were on the last door step of my world. I would like to believe there was a bit of hesitation as I walked through the doors onto the plane with a giant goofy grin on my face. Once on the plane we were delayed by a little over an hour because of an unruly passenger that had to be kicked off (after we got all the way to the end of the tarmac). I passed out just after 12 PM and didn’t wake up till just before we landed in Amsterdam around 3 PM their time. Once in Amsterdam I had to figure out when I needed to collect my bags: Amsterdam, Nairobi, or Bujumbaro Burundi? I met a nice man who informed me it was the latter, GREAT! No worries but than he also asked were I was seated and knowing I was coming from Canada and going to Africa switched my seats to the best seats aside from first class that he could give me! It was awesome praise the lord, eh!
At this point I was just traveling so I will skip ahead to landing in Burundi. This was interesting. It was very hot, and everything was in French or African. Yea for confusion! As the sweat dripped down my face I clamored off the plane and towards an oddly shaped building. Now most of you will know or have probably heard one or two stories of the police trying to get money from me or the craziness of the African armies, but there’s something a bit scary/eye opening when you walk off a plane and you see 5 soldiers standing on the roof with sniper rifles and high powered machine guns. Once I got all the visa stuff taken care of a greeted my friends and we jumped in the car to go back to there place. This was the point where it hit me that I was in Africa for 6 months.
Most of my time for the first 3-4 days I was in Burundi were spent doing nothing really (literally nothing) but there was constant. At the time of writing this (I’m actually writing this on November 9, 2010, at 11:45 PM. I have maybe slept a total of 12 hrs since the day I arrived (I got here on the 5th, that’s four days). To many things have been running through my head and the enemy has really been attacking me. At this point in the blog I could be really bold and really transparent and tell you exactly what was causing this, but I will just leave it at the enemy was really trying to ensure things didn’t go as planned! I have never in my life experience to end an adventure only a few days after starting it. I lost all desire to be here, I was starting to think maybe I was very very wrong in coming to Africa.
But today as I was driving from Bujumbaro to Gitaga in the mountains I turned on the worst music I had on my ipod. Eminem and Eamon Fuck what I said yup I have bad songs on my ipod haha. As I listened to this music and got lost in my own world I began to journal on my ipod. What I’m about to write is what I wrote. NOTE: this is where I was, not where I’m.
Burundi is a different world, I haven’t slept since being here because of stress, being in a new world, and the devil. We drove up to Gitaga a two hr and a bit drive through the mountains in a convoy of trucks. I hate it but I love it here. As we drove I have witnessed accidents some very minor others bad others could have been very bad (I counted at least 10 people we nearly killed) even got fingered for the second time in Africa.
I have found when god is doing something in your life it hurts. When your plans and his line up….it hurts even more. To be honest I don’t want to be in Africa anymore unless I have a gun and there’s great risk, I’m so bored and frustrated, and I’m the youngest on the team.
We were informed that there is a big demonic presence here, as I said since arriving, I haven’t slept more then maybe 12 hrs. I’m exhausted, when I wake up I don’t go back to sleep because my dreams scare me.
(I’m a very vivid dreamer and when your dreams already feel very real when there bad it’s bad)
I have dreamt of death, of temptation, of cheating on those I care about, I have dreamt of everything bad or evil that could go wrong. I feel depleted and exhausted.
I feel like the evil in Africa is winning. That or I’m not fighting anymore; my addiction to danger is feeding me. I keep hoping there’s some form of danger around the next corner, maybe a fun fight or something. I want to get in a fight, I want to bleed I want to feel pain because I feel dead inside right now.
I wish I was away from here, from life from everyone, I wish I could disappear where no one knows where I’m.
Burundi is very poor, they have little concept of space, they plant vegetables where ever they can on the side of the cliffs etc. kids brush there teeth with muddy water, people beg constantly, and people pee openly in public. I have seen more male genital areas in the last 8 hours then I ever want to see in a million years!
This is not Canada, a person must be a fool to come to such a place thinking this is a vacation; this isn’t a vacation, its hell on earth,
But even in this hell if you look hard enough and ignore the shit and look closely past the fucked up politics you will witness something very different. You will see a love that the western world has ignored or has spent to much time whoring itself out that it has forgotten what pure love feels like.
We are so corrupt so fucked we have raped each other until there is nothing left, we take and take, we are greedy and always want more and kill each other for it. but in all that messed up shit there is something so amazing, its called hope. See placentas are what bring life or hope! And hope is a dangerous thing because once hope is coupled with faith it starts to fertilize the soil around it (the faithless people). It sparks a forest fire that will take many waters to put out. But how do we keep our eyes set on burning down the forest or fertilizing the soil when animals threaten our crops or water smoothers our water? How do we hold on to hope and faith when we feel like we are alone?
By setting your eyes on the one fire that burns eternally, Christ, The holy one the one that doesn’t leave you. The one that said we could do the works he has done and greater.
I think after reading over my notes and praying and sharing with friends, I think I will make these six months, and I think the devil is going to get a firm kick where the sun don’t shine because I’m going to win this battle.
I hope this wasn’t so graphic that you stopped and were appalled, but rather that it was graphic enough to show you how I have felt and where I have been and were god is taking me. I know swearing isn’t the best but in that moment in time it was the only way I could explain where I was and how I felt.
CLINIC #1
I hope that from being some what graphic or sharing my heart I can give you a glimpse of Africa the movies and world vision commcerials may never give you.
Today was an interesting day for the first time I slept I had a great sleep with good dreams! I got up at six and turned on my shower…..nothing… so I turned on a movie on my laptop well I waited for my shower to hopefully sort itself out. At about 630 it started running so I jumped into what I thought would be a nice refreshing shower……..HAHHAHAHA try freaking COLD! I could barely breath my body hated the cold! So I do things fast got wet and soaped up and then just about 80% through having no more soap on me my shower runs out of water……oh yeah….so I waited another fifteen minutes and it started running again. This was great enough that I could just get my hair clean. Lol!
Our day started with a light breakfast and some jokes then we had worship and prayer time. Once this was done we took off to the medical clinics. I jumped in the car with Rob, Heather, Christina and Carol Anne. As we drove first on a nice road then through a bit of a housing area, I saw many poor people, children in clothes that probably have more then a couple days worth of dirt on them. I saw an albino black kid this was interesting as they are highly prized for sacrifices in Burundi (welcome to the devils play ground). Finally we came to the last turn in the road. The clinic site was in sight. As we drove down this incline I hung my chest and up out the window and waved at the kids as they chased us and fell into ditches from not watching then got back up to chase us again! To which I was told to stop encouraging them! Haha its to much fun these kids have a joy I haven’t seen often.
Our base is very different this time around; we have actual medical buildings to work from. This is very different as usually we are in tents or broken down schools.
The day was frusterating at times though because even though I was meant to be a runner I ended up being crowd control and working the ins and outs of how people would line up for nurses and doctors.
Clinic #2
Today was amazing! I was the dental assistant to Kenneth. He taught me a bit and I was actually able to pull a tooth and then the 80+ old woman jumped up and started dancing! I know am considering becoming a oral surgeon. (pending). I also led a man to Christ and saw people healed and was just able to meet people and work in a less stressful environment.
I will add more in as the days go on but my mind is in a million places right now.
I want to take a moment to warn everyone
!!!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!
This blog may not always be pretty. You may see swearing you may hear stories that might not be the prettiest stories in the world, or you may just not like my writing style, bad spelling, or believes. Sorry this is my blog write your own if you don’t like it!
Seriously though I love you all please read it. I just wanted to warn people as some of the things I may sure may not be G rated, and may even go up to R rated :) all that being said I will try to be as nice as possible.
Ok warning is done you have been warned I don’t want to hear any whining.
I started my journey from Canada on November the 3rd, a Wednesday. I said good bye to Victoria as I jumped the 3 o clock ferry. This was almost it soon there would be no turning back. I said some last good byes via texts as I waited for a journey of a life time to begin. Once on the other side I was picked up by my friend’s father, after sitting in traffic for quite some time I got to the airport and waited for Christina our leader to meet me with the Impact nation bags I would be taking with me. Once I had the bags it was go time. I sat in the airport texting a few more people and then it was time to board. Here we were on the last door step of my world. I would like to believe there was a bit of hesitation as I walked through the doors onto the plane with a giant goofy grin on my face. Once on the plane we were delayed by a little over an hour because of an unruly passenger that had to be kicked off (after we got all the way to the end of the tarmac). I passed out just after 12 PM and didn’t wake up till just before we landed in Amsterdam around 3 PM their time. Once in Amsterdam I had to figure out when I needed to collect my bags: Amsterdam, Nairobi, or Bujumbaro Burundi? I met a nice man who informed me it was the latter, GREAT! No worries but than he also asked were I was seated and knowing I was coming from Canada and going to Africa switched my seats to the best seats aside from first class that he could give me! It was awesome praise the lord, eh!
At this point I was just traveling so I will skip ahead to landing in Burundi. This was interesting. It was very hot, and everything was in French or African. Yea for confusion! As the sweat dripped down my face I clamored off the plane and towards an oddly shaped building. Now most of you will know or have probably heard one or two stories of the police trying to get money from me or the craziness of the African armies, but there’s something a bit scary/eye opening when you walk off a plane and you see 5 soldiers standing on the roof with sniper rifles and high powered machine guns. Once I got all the visa stuff taken care of a greeted my friends and we jumped in the car to go back to there place. This was the point where it hit me that I was in Africa for 6 months.
Most of my time for the first 3-4 days I was in Burundi were spent doing nothing really (literally nothing) but there was constant. At the time of writing this (I’m actually writing this on November 9, 2010, at 11:45 PM. I have maybe slept a total of 12 hrs since the day I arrived (I got here on the 5th, that’s four days). To many things have been running through my head and the enemy has really been attacking me. At this point in the blog I could be really bold and really transparent and tell you exactly what was causing this, but I will just leave it at the enemy was really trying to ensure things didn’t go as planned! I have never in my life experience to end an adventure only a few days after starting it. I lost all desire to be here, I was starting to think maybe I was very very wrong in coming to Africa.
But today as I was driving from Bujumbaro to Gitaga in the mountains I turned on the worst music I had on my ipod. Eminem and Eamon Fuck what I said yup I have bad songs on my ipod haha. As I listened to this music and got lost in my own world I began to journal on my ipod. What I’m about to write is what I wrote. NOTE: this is where I was, not where I’m.
Burundi is a different world, I haven’t slept since being here because of stress, being in a new world, and the devil. We drove up to Gitaga a two hr and a bit drive through the mountains in a convoy of trucks. I hate it but I love it here. As we drove I have witnessed accidents some very minor others bad others could have been very bad (I counted at least 10 people we nearly killed) even got fingered for the second time in Africa.
I have found when god is doing something in your life it hurts. When your plans and his line up….it hurts even more. To be honest I don’t want to be in Africa anymore unless I have a gun and there’s great risk, I’m so bored and frustrated, and I’m the youngest on the team.
We were informed that there is a big demonic presence here, as I said since arriving, I haven’t slept more then maybe 12 hrs. I’m exhausted, when I wake up I don’t go back to sleep because my dreams scare me.
(I’m a very vivid dreamer and when your dreams already feel very real when there bad it’s bad)
I have dreamt of death, of temptation, of cheating on those I care about, I have dreamt of everything bad or evil that could go wrong. I feel depleted and exhausted.
I feel like the evil in Africa is winning. That or I’m not fighting anymore; my addiction to danger is feeding me. I keep hoping there’s some form of danger around the next corner, maybe a fun fight or something. I want to get in a fight, I want to bleed I want to feel pain because I feel dead inside right now.
I wish I was away from here, from life from everyone, I wish I could disappear where no one knows where I’m.
Burundi is very poor, they have little concept of space, they plant vegetables where ever they can on the side of the cliffs etc. kids brush there teeth with muddy water, people beg constantly, and people pee openly in public. I have seen more male genital areas in the last 8 hours then I ever want to see in a million years!
This is not Canada, a person must be a fool to come to such a place thinking this is a vacation; this isn’t a vacation, its hell on earth,
But even in this hell if you look hard enough and ignore the shit and look closely past the fucked up politics you will witness something very different. You will see a love that the western world has ignored or has spent to much time whoring itself out that it has forgotten what pure love feels like.
We are so corrupt so fucked we have raped each other until there is nothing left, we take and take, we are greedy and always want more and kill each other for it. but in all that messed up shit there is something so amazing, its called hope. See placentas are what bring life or hope! And hope is a dangerous thing because once hope is coupled with faith it starts to fertilize the soil around it (the faithless people). It sparks a forest fire that will take many waters to put out. But how do we keep our eyes set on burning down the forest or fertilizing the soil when animals threaten our crops or water smoothers our water? How do we hold on to hope and faith when we feel like we are alone?
By setting your eyes on the one fire that burns eternally, Christ, The holy one the one that doesn’t leave you. The one that said we could do the works he has done and greater.
I think after reading over my notes and praying and sharing with friends, I think I will make these six months, and I think the devil is going to get a firm kick where the sun don’t shine because I’m going to win this battle.
I hope this wasn’t so graphic that you stopped and were appalled, but rather that it was graphic enough to show you how I have felt and where I have been and were god is taking me. I know swearing isn’t the best but in that moment in time it was the only way I could explain where I was and how I felt.
CLINIC #1
I hope that from being some what graphic or sharing my heart I can give you a glimpse of Africa the movies and world vision commcerials may never give you.
Today was an interesting day for the first time I slept I had a great sleep with good dreams! I got up at six and turned on my shower…..nothing… so I turned on a movie on my laptop well I waited for my shower to hopefully sort itself out. At about 630 it started running so I jumped into what I thought would be a nice refreshing shower……..HAHHAHAHA try freaking COLD! I could barely breath my body hated the cold! So I do things fast got wet and soaped up and then just about 80% through having no more soap on me my shower runs out of water……oh yeah….so I waited another fifteen minutes and it started running again. This was great enough that I could just get my hair clean. Lol!
Our day started with a light breakfast and some jokes then we had worship and prayer time. Once this was done we took off to the medical clinics. I jumped in the car with Rob, Heather, Christina and Carol Anne. As we drove first on a nice road then through a bit of a housing area, I saw many poor people, children in clothes that probably have more then a couple days worth of dirt on them. I saw an albino black kid this was interesting as they are highly prized for sacrifices in Burundi (welcome to the devils play ground). Finally we came to the last turn in the road. The clinic site was in sight. As we drove down this incline I hung my chest and up out the window and waved at the kids as they chased us and fell into ditches from not watching then got back up to chase us again! To which I was told to stop encouraging them! Haha its to much fun these kids have a joy I haven’t seen often.
Our base is very different this time around; we have actual medical buildings to work from. This is very different as usually we are in tents or broken down schools.
The day was frusterating at times though because even though I was meant to be a runner I ended up being crowd control and working the ins and outs of how people would line up for nurses and doctors.
Clinic #2
Today was amazing! I was the dental assistant to Kenneth. He taught me a bit and I was actually able to pull a tooth and then the 80+ old woman jumped up and started dancing! I know am considering becoming a oral surgeon. (pending). I also led a man to Christ and saw people healed and was just able to meet people and work in a less stressful environment.
I will add more in as the days go on but my mind is in a million places right now.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Falling just to fall down again.
Lately i have been trying to figure out what i would put on my blog what i would take off. what names i would say, what names i wouldn't. i have decided one thing. this blog is going to be used to talk about where I'm in my life. so read at your own risk :)
I have four days until i leave for africa. i'm so excited but i'm scared at the same time. i know that i'm going to see the incredible, but i also know that that will come with a price, emotionally, physically, income etc.
i thought i had all the money together for the trip but then the other night i realized i didn't even have enough money to pay for a 15 dollar ticket to the Vancouver, let alone two nights in africa (i will be arriving before the rest of the team) i send a very dear friend a message asking for prayer and explaining what was happening, to which they responded i want to bless you with a sum of money, this isn't the first time this has happened and i'm so blessed to know that god is watching out for me. but at the same time its hard for me to not feel guilty, did i save enough before was i careful how i spent my money. i'm worried about when i get back, will my money that is tied up in shared investments ever see the light of day? hopefully when i get back so i can start my life in canada (home, food, rent, good job, etc). these are just a few of the stresses in my life so i really need prayer!
i have been pulled and stretched so much in the last few months, my body physically hurts from it but at the same time i know its god preparing me.
on thursday i went to my last youth group until i return to canada. i arrived and was quickly met by my youth pastor Evan, who asked if i would be willing to get up and share my heart. to which i responded yes before i could think about it. he told me he was speaking on prayer so i got up and shared my heart about prayer. I told 80 youth about how god had used prayer in my life. then Evan asked us to break off and pray, i stood in the corner because after getting off the stage i realized i had more that i forgot to say. one of the other leaders came over to me and we began to pray. my friend beside me began to break down crying. and then he told me how he had never cried well praying like that. i informed him that it was because his prayers were what god wanted, and because his heart was on the same page as gods he was seeing a glimpse of gods splendor. little did i know i was about to experience this. after we prayed Evan asked me to come back up and all 80+/- kids got up and laid hands on me and prayed for me. i had never been surrounded by so many praying for a common goal: that i would meet god and be protected. i could feel the tears in my eyes as i saw gods heart for my life for me to go to africa and pour my heart out there.
so here I'm. i'm 21 years old, my names Joel Peter Yager. i'm a born again, baptized christian, being launched for the second time into a world that is completely different then what i ever thought i wanted to be a part of. i love it! and i hate it, and i'm sad by it and i'm scared.
when I'm in Africa I'm going to be doing what ever god puts before me. once i leave for this trip i will have no money in my account, and I'm believing and knowing that god is going to supply for what ever need i have.
to those that read my blog, thanks, please pray for me, and know that this is my heart that i'm pouring out. like it or hate it, its Joel.
I have four days until i leave for africa. i'm so excited but i'm scared at the same time. i know that i'm going to see the incredible, but i also know that that will come with a price, emotionally, physically, income etc.
i thought i had all the money together for the trip but then the other night i realized i didn't even have enough money to pay for a 15 dollar ticket to the Vancouver, let alone two nights in africa (i will be arriving before the rest of the team) i send a very dear friend a message asking for prayer and explaining what was happening, to which they responded i want to bless you with a sum of money, this isn't the first time this has happened and i'm so blessed to know that god is watching out for me. but at the same time its hard for me to not feel guilty, did i save enough before was i careful how i spent my money. i'm worried about when i get back, will my money that is tied up in shared investments ever see the light of day? hopefully when i get back so i can start my life in canada (home, food, rent, good job, etc). these are just a few of the stresses in my life so i really need prayer!
i have been pulled and stretched so much in the last few months, my body physically hurts from it but at the same time i know its god preparing me.
on thursday i went to my last youth group until i return to canada. i arrived and was quickly met by my youth pastor Evan, who asked if i would be willing to get up and share my heart. to which i responded yes before i could think about it. he told me he was speaking on prayer so i got up and shared my heart about prayer. I told 80 youth about how god had used prayer in my life. then Evan asked us to break off and pray, i stood in the corner because after getting off the stage i realized i had more that i forgot to say. one of the other leaders came over to me and we began to pray. my friend beside me began to break down crying. and then he told me how he had never cried well praying like that. i informed him that it was because his prayers were what god wanted, and because his heart was on the same page as gods he was seeing a glimpse of gods splendor. little did i know i was about to experience this. after we prayed Evan asked me to come back up and all 80+/- kids got up and laid hands on me and prayed for me. i had never been surrounded by so many praying for a common goal: that i would meet god and be protected. i could feel the tears in my eyes as i saw gods heart for my life for me to go to africa and pour my heart out there.
so here I'm. i'm 21 years old, my names Joel Peter Yager. i'm a born again, baptized christian, being launched for the second time into a world that is completely different then what i ever thought i wanted to be a part of. i love it! and i hate it, and i'm sad by it and i'm scared.
when I'm in Africa I'm going to be doing what ever god puts before me. once i leave for this trip i will have no money in my account, and I'm believing and knowing that god is going to supply for what ever need i have.
to those that read my blog, thanks, please pray for me, and know that this is my heart that i'm pouring out. like it or hate it, its Joel.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Reflections in the rain.
At the beginning of this year i left on a journey to find myself and to find god. i had no idea it would lead to the things it has lead to. i have made new friends and learned about myself and god on an endless bases. i have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone i don't even know what my "comfort" is anymore!
summer has been a trial for me. i have been tested and tested and tested. at the beginning of summer i injured my ankle , not once but twice. i then spent two days at a camp for under privileged kids. This is not the me that i knew. then i spent time seeking god and trying to understand his plan.
some of the things i learned through this summer:
1) life is about choices, God gave us a choice
2) grace
i'm not scared of many things. death is child's play to me, pain is nothing, but throughout the summer i have been scared of so many uncertainties and at times forgot to just enjoy gods earth and his gifts.
in two months i'm heading to africa again. i will be gone for 6 months. and i'm terrified and excited. i'm sad i will miss winter and i'm happy i will be coming back in 6 months.
throughout the summer and now i'm learning to trust god in my uncertainty and to believe he will work things for good even when i don't know what that means.
its hard to believe that almost a year ago i was ready to throw life away and now i'm ready to take life for all i can get my hands on!
i can't wait to watch the sun rise from a mountain top in Africa and think about God, to think about the people that mean something in my life. to reflect on the beauty God has laid before me.
I'm ready to step foot on red soil again and be used by God. i want to experience a whole new level of my creator. i want him to flip my world so far upside down it will take me weeks to make sense of life. its terrifyingly amazingly awesome!
summer has been a trial for me. i have been tested and tested and tested. at the beginning of summer i injured my ankle , not once but twice. i then spent two days at a camp for under privileged kids. This is not the me that i knew. then i spent time seeking god and trying to understand his plan.
some of the things i learned through this summer:
1) life is about choices, God gave us a choice
2) grace
i'm not scared of many things. death is child's play to me, pain is nothing, but throughout the summer i have been scared of so many uncertainties and at times forgot to just enjoy gods earth and his gifts.
in two months i'm heading to africa again. i will be gone for 6 months. and i'm terrified and excited. i'm sad i will miss winter and i'm happy i will be coming back in 6 months.
throughout the summer and now i'm learning to trust god in my uncertainty and to believe he will work things for good even when i don't know what that means.
its hard to believe that almost a year ago i was ready to throw life away and now i'm ready to take life for all i can get my hands on!
i can't wait to watch the sun rise from a mountain top in Africa and think about God, to think about the people that mean something in my life. to reflect on the beauty God has laid before me.
I'm ready to step foot on red soil again and be used by God. i want to experience a whole new level of my creator. i want him to flip my world so far upside down it will take me weeks to make sense of life. its terrifyingly amazingly awesome!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
What did i do wrong?
it's funny how we can get caught up in the stress of life, or the happiness of life. regardless of which one it is, we forget the other.
this thing of suicide has been on my mind lately. what causes a human being to be so willing to end everything? what pain is so painful we would actually consider losing our life? for me that pain was rooted in love. i wanted to be loved. i never felt loved. as a child i used to sit at a table with my 9 other family members. i was just a small child and i was so so small i just sat there eating my dinner as 9 other voices echoed off the walls. i began to build my own walls. it wasn't my parents fault, it wasn't my brothers or sisters fault. i was part of a big family and i felt alone. i felt like no one understood me or cared about me. this carried on through life. so i began to put up walls to protect myself. but in doing so i think i blocked god out as well.
i remember the first time i thought of suicide. i think i was around the age of 12. i had gotten in another fight with my sister and i ran off into the woods and sat on a hill over looking the farm, and sitting there i picked up a sharp rock and pushed it to my skin. i watched my skin being strained. it was to painful to actually cut in so all i had was a dimple. but i remember thinking, i will just end my life. then no one will have to care, no one will have to accommodate me. there was always something a small voice that begged me not to kill myself. so i would suck it up and carry on and retreat more into myself. i found my comfort was in pain, in fear, in death. not in life, grace, mercy, and God. at least i didn't look there.
i wish i could give people the answers when it comes to suicide, tell them its gonna be alright. tell them god has a plan. but when your in that state of mind you can't think about those things. all you can feel is the pain, all you can feel is hopeless.
i remember everytime i would drive home after youth group i would be crying in my car, with the tears pouring from my face, i would speed along a rainy road begging god to kill me because i didn't want to live anymore.
i remember a year or so ago now. a few weeks after canada day i got in a huge fight with my dad he went to bed angry, i walked to the fridge grabed my bottle of vodka and walked out side
i walked around the farm drinking from the bottle screaming and coursing god, begging him asking were he was, why he didn't give a rip. my lungs burned from the vodka mixing with my crys of agany. i climbed on top of our barn roof, in the moon light and sat there drinking this bottle of posion . as i looked at the moon and became drunk two things happened. one side of me choked back the alcohol. the other side wanted to vomit it up. i managed to realize my stupidity and i dumped the vodka out and god met me in that moment. he met me in so many moments. but theres a part of me that is sad because, what about those that don't get that moment? why was i given enough strength to make the right choice but others aren't? its hard for me at times to think about because i feel so worthless, i feel like there are others that deserve my place more then i do. yet here i am. i hear about children dying, about teenagers dying in car accidents. and i can't help but think we are so selfish to take life for granted.
writing this makes me wonna cry. it makes me want to sit in a corner with my face in my hands i think of people that died for god, and then i think of myself. i wanted to kill myself because I wasn't happy with life, because I felt alone.
when did life become about ME, and stop becoming about Others? i was tired of life and instead of doing something about it i blamed God. i drank back so much alcohol i couldn't eat for days, but somehow it was gods fault i was suffering. we always blame god for the things that happen in life. "god why did yo let this person die, why did you not give me this or that" when are we gonna open our eyes are start realizing its not god that is doing these things but its us, we live in a sinful world and we aren't willing to sacrifice our lives to become completely consumed by gods love.
this thing of suicide has been on my mind lately. what causes a human being to be so willing to end everything? what pain is so painful we would actually consider losing our life? for me that pain was rooted in love. i wanted to be loved. i never felt loved. as a child i used to sit at a table with my 9 other family members. i was just a small child and i was so so small i just sat there eating my dinner as 9 other voices echoed off the walls. i began to build my own walls. it wasn't my parents fault, it wasn't my brothers or sisters fault. i was part of a big family and i felt alone. i felt like no one understood me or cared about me. this carried on through life. so i began to put up walls to protect myself. but in doing so i think i blocked god out as well.
i remember the first time i thought of suicide. i think i was around the age of 12. i had gotten in another fight with my sister and i ran off into the woods and sat on a hill over looking the farm, and sitting there i picked up a sharp rock and pushed it to my skin. i watched my skin being strained. it was to painful to actually cut in so all i had was a dimple. but i remember thinking, i will just end my life. then no one will have to care, no one will have to accommodate me. there was always something a small voice that begged me not to kill myself. so i would suck it up and carry on and retreat more into myself. i found my comfort was in pain, in fear, in death. not in life, grace, mercy, and God. at least i didn't look there.
i wish i could give people the answers when it comes to suicide, tell them its gonna be alright. tell them god has a plan. but when your in that state of mind you can't think about those things. all you can feel is the pain, all you can feel is hopeless.
i remember everytime i would drive home after youth group i would be crying in my car, with the tears pouring from my face, i would speed along a rainy road begging god to kill me because i didn't want to live anymore.
i remember a year or so ago now. a few weeks after canada day i got in a huge fight with my dad he went to bed angry, i walked to the fridge grabed my bottle of vodka and walked out side
i walked around the farm drinking from the bottle screaming and coursing god, begging him asking were he was, why he didn't give a rip. my lungs burned from the vodka mixing with my crys of agany. i climbed on top of our barn roof, in the moon light and sat there drinking this bottle of posion . as i looked at the moon and became drunk two things happened. one side of me choked back the alcohol. the other side wanted to vomit it up. i managed to realize my stupidity and i dumped the vodka out and god met me in that moment. he met me in so many moments. but theres a part of me that is sad because, what about those that don't get that moment? why was i given enough strength to make the right choice but others aren't? its hard for me at times to think about because i feel so worthless, i feel like there are others that deserve my place more then i do. yet here i am. i hear about children dying, about teenagers dying in car accidents. and i can't help but think we are so selfish to take life for granted.
writing this makes me wonna cry. it makes me want to sit in a corner with my face in my hands i think of people that died for god, and then i think of myself. i wanted to kill myself because I wasn't happy with life, because I felt alone.
when did life become about ME, and stop becoming about Others? i was tired of life and instead of doing something about it i blamed God. i drank back so much alcohol i couldn't eat for days, but somehow it was gods fault i was suffering. we always blame god for the things that happen in life. "god why did yo let this person die, why did you not give me this or that" when are we gonna open our eyes are start realizing its not god that is doing these things but its us, we live in a sinful world and we aren't willing to sacrifice our lives to become completely consumed by gods love.
Friday, May 28, 2010
To Write your Wrongs
as i sit here the clock says its 12:36 AM to me it feels like it should be about 1PM.
i'm listening to a song called My Name by Classic crime. the only light in my room is coming from my computer screen and a lamp on a desk by my bed.
i have been back for about a week now and for the first time i feel so far from normal. how odd is that? i thought being home would make me feel normal but, being home makes me feel far from it!
so many things have happened in the last 5 months of my life. i don't know were to begin. i don't know what to share, what to censor, what names do i mention? what names to i leave unmentioned?
i have been asked the same question over a hundred times since i left africa, "what was it like?" its coming in many forms. "dude your back?! how was it?" OMGOSH YAGS IS BACK TELL ME EVERYTHING. or straight up. tell me one story.
the thing is there isn't one story that shaped or changed me. its everything. as i think back i can trace everyday as if it happened moments ago. i can smell the stench of rotting meat, of rank fruit. the smell of a nearby fire. i can see the cock roach running under my feet. i can see the people as if there in front of me. i miss africa. before i left for africa i was a shell. an empty shell that had no purpose. i hated my life. i was angry with god. i didn't understand the situations i was in. i didn't care for family, friends, anything. but then i met a friend that got me thinking about life again. they got me into my bible. they got me crying out to god for answers. his answers came around the first of january. news that i could go on a missions trip to uganda, i jumped at it hoping it was god. and man was it god!
i decided on one thing in that moment. besides that i was going on this trip i made a choice. and i told god flat out. "i'm going, and i'm chasing you, so you better meet me" i made the choice to pursue god to freaking africa! but i didn't stop once i caught up to him. everyday he challanged me. i had to learn to work in a team. i had to step out in front of hundreds of people and share testomonies. i was asked to preach in a church my first sunday, i was asked to lead worship for 100 kids. this was just in the first week! after that i began to preach to the kids on a regular basis. i was asked to believe that god would heal someone that wanted to be healed. this wasn't totaly out of my comfort zone as i had been in churchs were ppl would claim to be healed (DISCLAIMER: i'm not saying they weren't healed) but when you see a man that had a messed up back begin to dance, its a different story! when you feel a 2 yr olds lungs in your hand begin to breathe properly. you can't explain that feeling.
the pictures don't do my trip justice. they don't explain the moment were you stand there with two friends and pray with them and look in there eyes and see the exhaustion because they have been praying for an hr for one person and have yet to see them healed. they don't explain the moment when you walk up to one of your closest friends that you made on the trip and say to them "I just need a hug" and then break down in the arms. that's not me, at least that's not the me many people have seen. that feeling as the embrace you as you try to choke back tears but you can't. as the tears cascade down your cheeks. i saw many things on the trip. i saw strong humans break down at the injustice they saw, these are people on my team. i said i would be strong i woudln't let it effect me. but theres one thing literaly only two people know about on this trip. one day i couldn't take it. i was exhausted i was sick of what i was seeing i was tired of praying i just wanted a break. so i walked behind a building i was standing a few inchs from the wall and just fell against it and slide down to a crouch from there i burried my face in my hands and begged god to refill me. to help me.
its been a week. i have tried to become apart of society again. but i can't. i refuse to. i don't want to be apart of what we call normal. because why on earth would i wonna settle for second best? i got the best when i was in africa. and its not different in canada. i refuse to settle for normal. i refuse to say i could only get what i got in africa, in africa! thats not the god i serve.
when i left for uganda i was broken. i was a mess. but i asked god to fix me. and he did. he brought my attention to one of my favorite verses. Matthew 11:28. "Come all you weary and find rest for your souls. lay down your burden and learn from me. for my yoke is easy and my spirit is kind." its not exact, but thats roughly the verse. the version i usualy go by is now perminently on my left shoulder: "Come all you weary with your heavy loads. lay down your burdens find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. i'll take yours upon me if you will take mine. Matthew 11:28" that is whats on my back.
everyday this verse came up in my life well i was away. i preached on it at a church. i talked about it all the time. i read it. and asked god about it. until one day as i sat there it dawned on me how much it meant to me. and how i didn't want to forget about it. so i decided around Feb 12th. that on my way back home i would get it tattooed on my back so i would never forget. and i never will now!
but this pursuit i have been talking about. i chased god to africa, he taught me about being weary, about being broken. he talked to me about being healed, being fixed. he taught me what it was to love. to agape love. i don't claim to be wise. but i do claim to have learned from god. i learned to trust god in the quiet. and then i would hear from him. he would speak to me. two times come to mind.
the day i was praying and god said to me: "i have waitd your whole life for Jan 24th when your feet would step unto Ugandan soil." and another time on the train when i was worried about dealing with customs: "Why do you doubt me? you saw the deaf hear, the blind see. you saw many people saved. you stood 5 feet from a hippo. yet you still don't trust me?"
trust is the big one. if theres one thing i can say about this trip. i learned to trust. i learned to believe god will always be with me.
i think i'm rambling now...i dunno if i wrote this because someone needs to read it. or because i needed to write it. but i guess if you are going to take anything from what i have said:
Chase god. theres nothing better then pursuing god. if you think a Girlfriend or a boyfriend is a nice thing. try spending a few weeks truely pursuing god. its the most amazing thing you will ever experience. and when you catch up, and he drops that little shard of him that little bread crum, grab hold of it. savor it. but remember, when you chase god you have to give things up. its not easy, but god wants your wrongs layed before him. when you chase him you need to be prepared for being layed naked before god. everything, your deepest thoughts, your pains, what makes you happy. everything. God sees you for you. he sees the side of you no one else will ever see. so be prepared to write your wrongs.
i'm listening to a song called My Name by Classic crime. the only light in my room is coming from my computer screen and a lamp on a desk by my bed.
i have been back for about a week now and for the first time i feel so far from normal. how odd is that? i thought being home would make me feel normal but, being home makes me feel far from it!
so many things have happened in the last 5 months of my life. i don't know were to begin. i don't know what to share, what to censor, what names do i mention? what names to i leave unmentioned?
i have been asked the same question over a hundred times since i left africa, "what was it like?" its coming in many forms. "dude your back?! how was it?" OMGOSH YAGS IS BACK TELL ME EVERYTHING. or straight up. tell me one story.
the thing is there isn't one story that shaped or changed me. its everything. as i think back i can trace everyday as if it happened moments ago. i can smell the stench of rotting meat, of rank fruit. the smell of a nearby fire. i can see the cock roach running under my feet. i can see the people as if there in front of me. i miss africa. before i left for africa i was a shell. an empty shell that had no purpose. i hated my life. i was angry with god. i didn't understand the situations i was in. i didn't care for family, friends, anything. but then i met a friend that got me thinking about life again. they got me into my bible. they got me crying out to god for answers. his answers came around the first of january. news that i could go on a missions trip to uganda, i jumped at it hoping it was god. and man was it god!
i decided on one thing in that moment. besides that i was going on this trip i made a choice. and i told god flat out. "i'm going, and i'm chasing you, so you better meet me" i made the choice to pursue god to freaking africa! but i didn't stop once i caught up to him. everyday he challanged me. i had to learn to work in a team. i had to step out in front of hundreds of people and share testomonies. i was asked to preach in a church my first sunday, i was asked to lead worship for 100 kids. this was just in the first week! after that i began to preach to the kids on a regular basis. i was asked to believe that god would heal someone that wanted to be healed. this wasn't totaly out of my comfort zone as i had been in churchs were ppl would claim to be healed (DISCLAIMER: i'm not saying they weren't healed) but when you see a man that had a messed up back begin to dance, its a different story! when you feel a 2 yr olds lungs in your hand begin to breathe properly. you can't explain that feeling.
the pictures don't do my trip justice. they don't explain the moment were you stand there with two friends and pray with them and look in there eyes and see the exhaustion because they have been praying for an hr for one person and have yet to see them healed. they don't explain the moment when you walk up to one of your closest friends that you made on the trip and say to them "I just need a hug" and then break down in the arms. that's not me, at least that's not the me many people have seen. that feeling as the embrace you as you try to choke back tears but you can't. as the tears cascade down your cheeks. i saw many things on the trip. i saw strong humans break down at the injustice they saw, these are people on my team. i said i would be strong i woudln't let it effect me. but theres one thing literaly only two people know about on this trip. one day i couldn't take it. i was exhausted i was sick of what i was seeing i was tired of praying i just wanted a break. so i walked behind a building i was standing a few inchs from the wall and just fell against it and slide down to a crouch from there i burried my face in my hands and begged god to refill me. to help me.
its been a week. i have tried to become apart of society again. but i can't. i refuse to. i don't want to be apart of what we call normal. because why on earth would i wonna settle for second best? i got the best when i was in africa. and its not different in canada. i refuse to settle for normal. i refuse to say i could only get what i got in africa, in africa! thats not the god i serve.
when i left for uganda i was broken. i was a mess. but i asked god to fix me. and he did. he brought my attention to one of my favorite verses. Matthew 11:28. "Come all you weary and find rest for your souls. lay down your burden and learn from me. for my yoke is easy and my spirit is kind." its not exact, but thats roughly the verse. the version i usualy go by is now perminently on my left shoulder: "Come all you weary with your heavy loads. lay down your burdens find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. i'll take yours upon me if you will take mine. Matthew 11:28" that is whats on my back.
everyday this verse came up in my life well i was away. i preached on it at a church. i talked about it all the time. i read it. and asked god about it. until one day as i sat there it dawned on me how much it meant to me. and how i didn't want to forget about it. so i decided around Feb 12th. that on my way back home i would get it tattooed on my back so i would never forget. and i never will now!
but this pursuit i have been talking about. i chased god to africa, he taught me about being weary, about being broken. he talked to me about being healed, being fixed. he taught me what it was to love. to agape love. i don't claim to be wise. but i do claim to have learned from god. i learned to trust god in the quiet. and then i would hear from him. he would speak to me. two times come to mind.
the day i was praying and god said to me: "i have waitd your whole life for Jan 24th when your feet would step unto Ugandan soil." and another time on the train when i was worried about dealing with customs: "Why do you doubt me? you saw the deaf hear, the blind see. you saw many people saved. you stood 5 feet from a hippo. yet you still don't trust me?"
trust is the big one. if theres one thing i can say about this trip. i learned to trust. i learned to believe god will always be with me.
i think i'm rambling now...i dunno if i wrote this because someone needs to read it. or because i needed to write it. but i guess if you are going to take anything from what i have said:
Chase god. theres nothing better then pursuing god. if you think a Girlfriend or a boyfriend is a nice thing. try spending a few weeks truely pursuing god. its the most amazing thing you will ever experience. and when you catch up, and he drops that little shard of him that little bread crum, grab hold of it. savor it. but remember, when you chase god you have to give things up. its not easy, but god wants your wrongs layed before him. when you chase him you need to be prepared for being layed naked before god. everything, your deepest thoughts, your pains, what makes you happy. everything. God sees you for you. he sees the side of you no one else will ever see. so be prepared to write your wrongs.
A Generation Divided
Quite a few years ago i came up with the name: A generation divided.
it was meant to be me, the youth, a people lost to a world. today. i have taken on this name in my blog because our generation is so lost and broken. and my goal in life is to be a city on a hill to those lost and broken!
it was meant to be me, the youth, a people lost to a world. today. i have taken on this name in my blog because our generation is so lost and broken. and my goal in life is to be a city on a hill to those lost and broken!
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