What did i do wrong?

it's funny how we can get caught up in the stress of life, or the happiness of life. regardless of which one it is, we forget the other.

this thing of suicide has been on my mind lately. what causes a human being to be so willing to end everything? what pain is so painful we would actually consider losing our life? for me that pain was rooted in love. i wanted to be loved. i never felt loved. as a child i used to sit at a table with my 9 other family members. i was just a small child and i was so so small i just sat there eating my dinner as 9 other voices echoed off the walls. i began to build my own walls. it wasn't my parents fault, it wasn't my brothers or sisters fault. i was part of a big family and i felt alone. i felt like no one understood me or cared about me. this carried on through life. so i began to put up walls to protect myself. but in doing so i think i blocked god out as well.

i remember the first time i thought of suicide. i think i was around the age of 12. i had gotten in another fight with my sister and i ran off into the woods and sat on a hill over looking the farm, and sitting there i picked up a sharp rock and pushed it to my skin. i watched my skin being strained. it was to painful to actually cut in so all i had was a dimple. but i remember thinking, i will just end my life. then no one will have to care, no one will have to accommodate me. there was always something a small voice that begged me not to kill myself. so i would suck it up and carry on and retreat more into myself. i found my comfort was in pain, in fear, in death. not in life, grace, mercy, and God. at least i didn't look there.

i wish i could give people the answers when it comes to suicide, tell them its gonna be alright. tell them god has a plan. but when your in that state of mind you can't think about those things. all you can feel is the pain, all you can feel is hopeless.

i remember everytime i would drive home after youth group i would be crying in my car, with the tears pouring from my face, i would speed along a rainy road begging god to kill me because i didn't want to live anymore.

i remember a year or so ago now. a few weeks after canada day i got in a huge fight with my dad he went to bed angry, i walked to the fridge grabed my bottle of vodka and walked out side
i walked around the farm drinking from the bottle screaming and coursing god, begging him asking were he was, why he didn't give a rip. my lungs burned from the vodka mixing with my crys of agany. i climbed on top of our barn roof, in the moon light and sat there drinking this bottle of posion . as i looked at the moon and became drunk two things happened. one side of me choked back the alcohol. the other side wanted to vomit it up. i managed to realize my stupidity and i dumped the vodka out and god met me in that moment. he met me in so many moments. but theres a part of me that is sad because, what about those that don't get that moment? why was i given enough strength to make the right choice but others aren't? its hard for me at times to think about because i feel so worthless, i feel like there are others that deserve my place more then i do. yet here i am. i hear about children dying, about teenagers dying in car accidents. and i can't help but think we are so selfish to take life for granted.

writing this makes me wonna cry. it makes me want to sit in a corner with my face in my hands i think of people that died for god, and then i think of myself. i wanted to kill myself because I wasn't happy with life, because I felt alone.

when did life become about ME, and stop becoming about Others? i was tired of life and instead of doing something about it i blamed God. i drank back so much alcohol i couldn't eat for days, but somehow it was gods fault i was suffering. we always blame god for the things that happen in life. "god why did yo let this person die, why did you not give me this or that" when are we gonna open our eyes are start realizing its not god that is doing these things but its us, we live in a sinful world and we aren't willing to sacrifice our lives to become completely consumed by gods love.