I have witnessed joy in moments of sadness. I have seen the broken become whole. I have seen people healed. I have seen the strong, the angry, the hateful all fall on there knees upon meeting Christ for the first time.
I have heard stories of 5 year olds standing up for god only to be shot through the head by an AK a few seconds later. I have witnessed the poor giving and the rich taking. I have witnessed the weak win against the strong. I have seen the unforgivable forgiven.
When I look back at my whole life, it’s hard not to realize how incredible the things I have seen are. The things I have survived.
And now I’m adding a new part to my journey. Christmas this year is rough. I’m in Africa which is incredible surrounded by incredible people, but I would be a complete liar to say it felt like Christmas to me. Because it honestly doesn’t. we just put up our tree, my families not here to embarrass me. I don’t get to hear my brothers making the same stupid jokes, or play the silly games. I don’t get to go to my friend’s silly parties that usually leave me questioning our sanity. So well life is incredible here I do miss home at this time of year.
The other day I felt a bit down and one of the Youth Leaders, James, said hi to me via facebook. He pointed out how crazy it was we could talk well being so far away. And its true how crazy is it?! anyway we talked and I told him about what has been happening and life here and he told me about stuff in vic. And it was encouraging to know that what I’m doing is building peoples faith in Canada; even when I can’t see it.
Sometimes being here is bitter sweet. I’m becoming so comfortable with preaching but I don’t want to be a preacher. I’m realizing there is a part of me that’s scared to step out at times. In music and in speaking. I know I’m good at both of these I’m not being prideful in this I have been complemented all around the world (literally in Canada, the US, Europe, Africa) at what I have said and my singing. But the truth is I’m scared to step out because I guess sometimes I don’t feel like I’m good enough to. I feel like I have made so many mistakes people would be foolish to listen to me. I feel like well I might have something valid to say its buried under a lot of crap.
Today was rough again; I spent most of the day just resting after being at another all night prayer meeting. I went to school with Peter but then decided to go for a walk and ended up walking for a couple of hrs. I got lost in the back country of Uganda, I don’t know who else that’s white who will EVER see the places I saw it was great. And well I’m a bit better I still feel confused at times as to why I’m here what I’m doing were is the purpose for my life here. I know bits and pieces, I know gods teaching me about trusting him and being secure in who I’m, I know that he’s teaching me to love in a whole new way. But other then that I don’t know what the plan is.
And at the same time god does amazing things. Last night I snuck out of the prayer meeting and sat in the field by our church just listening to some Christian music and worshipping god in my own way and was brought to tears in god’s presence. And on the road today I had some woman give me a mango for nothing. And a man talk to me in perfect English. I don’t know, I don’t understand god sometimes.
i can tell you i have seen some incredible things in this world. from looking out at rolling wills to admiring the strength of these people. to witnessing god in a child taking care of its baby siblings to watching someone give what little they have.
it felt so great just walking today, just me and my thoughts walking through rolling hills of banannas, mangos, mace etc. i saw wildlife i didn't know you would see this close to Mityana and just enjoyed being lost for a few hrs.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Rememberance
Tonight the power was out so I decided to put on a play list on my ipod of songs that have had meaning to me since starting this trip. I then walked into our front yard and lay down on the trampoline (yah I dunno the spelling :P) and looked at the stars and the moon. I am one of those people that loves to remember good times, sad times, all kinds of times. As I was sitting there I remembered my tattoo (yes I forget I have one sometimes) and I remembered getting it done. This sent me down a fox hole and I decided to retrace the steps of my trip, where I went, what I did, memorable moments. Etc. when I got to the end of the trip I began to think about what happened after that, seeing my friends for the first time in two months, going to a Muse concert and rocking my head till it hurt, then catching a bus to moxie’s and meeting up with Kaitlynn and Heather with my friends, the excitement of getting to see them. The laughter we had and showing off my tattoo. I remember some people’s exact words.
Then I began to think of this whole year, about how back in November my life changed so much.
See in November 2009 I learned what it was to “have a pair” I asked a girl out for the first time in my life, (I was turned down, if your reading this I’m not upset by it at all ) at the time I was torn by it. It sent me down a crazy road. I remember two days later hearing the verse Matthew 11:28 for the first time (I have heard it before but this was the FIRST time I heard it) and breaking down standing at lake Imadene with one of my closest friends Jonathan.
I put my heart in places it should never have gone, I put my spiritual/physical/mental life in places it should never have even dreamed of going. I was depressed and in such a crazy place. And all I wanted to do was run away. I remember going to my pastor, pastor Andy, and he asked me if I was going to Africa because I was trying to run from my problems? I said no, but in truth I know now I was in one way or another trying to run from my problems. I jumped on a plane and said good bye to life for two months, my plan was to go become a man and come back and get the girl and the life I thought I wanted.
Funny thing about my plan: IT WASN”T GODS PLAN! HAHA
As soon as I arrived in Africa I realized this trip was going to be much different. And God grabbed a hold of me on that trip. He changed my plans for life! I remember sitting in a nice chair over looking one of the beautiful lakes and rivers in Uganda and god talking to me so clearly as I sat there journaling. I remember hearing his voice in everything I saw. Hearing him say he had me exactly where I was meant to be. To know there was no other place and that for at least one moment in my life I was in the PERFECT place at the PERFECT time of my life. man what a feeling! I remember calling my dad at 3 in the morning to say sorry.
I remember saying goodbye to Kristie and Emery. Sitting on the couch in my home here feeling so very alone. I remember dislocating my shoulder playing soccer, drinking water that wasn’t boiled. I remember the first healing I saw.
I remember driving to Entebbe from Mityana and taking a picture out of the window and something I didn’t plan to take was in the picture: a sign that read “Slow Down” and god speaking to me about this sign and my life. I remember Williams broken window shield and god speaking to me through that. I remember traveling all over Europe completely alone, meeting angels here and there, a French guy on a train telling me when my stop was. an Italian customs officer who didn’t arrest me. A French customs officer telling me to remember to pray.
I remember sitting on the train heading to London begging god to not let me get arrested or lose the machete I had. Only to have him say “haven’t I done enough for you? haven’t I proven I will watch after you?” I remember the moment I let go of all the pain I had in my life, the moment I said I was ok.
I remember getting on a plane on my way home and thinking wow. I have been away from normal for more then two months!
After I got home life was different. I was different. I had become a man in many ways, (I’m still becoming a man in many ways) I wasn’t the same. I had many people tell me this. I remember Amber Fee telling me that I was different, more mature. I remember the feeling of culture shock, of feeling so confused and frustrated about life. I remember walking out of a service at Lion of Judah because I couldn’t stand to look at the school I helped build and feeling like I was stuck in a world I didn’t want to be a part of and having a friend right there that understood me.
I remember Trevor and Joel and I going to the break water In a storm and getting soaked! Then going to Boston pizza to meet with Heather, putting salt in all our waters to the point that Heather had the only non salted water! Haha. I remember telling one of my best friends something that to date she is the only one that knows that about me. And the relief and fear I felt in telling her. It makes me laugh to think of when I bought a watermelon took it to Jessica and Graces and asked to cut it there and never telling who it was for. I remember watching falling stars by lakes, going to out door movies, watermelon. I remember the feeling you get when you realize someone likes you and you like them. I remember the crazy fun i had in a cake eating contest with some of the best cake i have eaten. and did i mention watching shooting stars?!
I remember the way i felt (brought to tears) as City youth became one and prayed for me. the feeling i felt of knowing i was being sent off by my family there.
I think that might be enough memories for everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that as this year comes to an end, it’s hard to believe where I have come in the last year and a bit. I can’t believe I have been all over Europe and have stepped foot in three Africa countries, (one of those countries twice) and will hopefully add on a fourth by the end of this trip all in a years worth of time. I can’t believe that even now I can see I have become more of a man! I can get up and preach and it doesn’t bother me. I am learning a new language (slowly) I’m now brothers with an African named Chris, and an African named Joshua.
Man God you are incredible. To find some worth in a man like me. People say they wouldn’t change a thing about the past. Well I can tell you I wouldn’t change one moment, one breathe, or blink of an eye from this past year. I’m so glad I was rejected, because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be where I’m right now and I wouldn’t be happy like I’m right now.
Then I began to think of this whole year, about how back in November my life changed so much.
See in November 2009 I learned what it was to “have a pair” I asked a girl out for the first time in my life, (I was turned down, if your reading this I’m not upset by it at all ) at the time I was torn by it. It sent me down a crazy road. I remember two days later hearing the verse Matthew 11:28 for the first time (I have heard it before but this was the FIRST time I heard it) and breaking down standing at lake Imadene with one of my closest friends Jonathan.
I put my heart in places it should never have gone, I put my spiritual/physical/mental life in places it should never have even dreamed of going. I was depressed and in such a crazy place. And all I wanted to do was run away. I remember going to my pastor, pastor Andy, and he asked me if I was going to Africa because I was trying to run from my problems? I said no, but in truth I know now I was in one way or another trying to run from my problems. I jumped on a plane and said good bye to life for two months, my plan was to go become a man and come back and get the girl and the life I thought I wanted.
Funny thing about my plan: IT WASN”T GODS PLAN! HAHA
As soon as I arrived in Africa I realized this trip was going to be much different. And God grabbed a hold of me on that trip. He changed my plans for life! I remember sitting in a nice chair over looking one of the beautiful lakes and rivers in Uganda and god talking to me so clearly as I sat there journaling. I remember hearing his voice in everything I saw. Hearing him say he had me exactly where I was meant to be. To know there was no other place and that for at least one moment in my life I was in the PERFECT place at the PERFECT time of my life. man what a feeling! I remember calling my dad at 3 in the morning to say sorry.
I remember saying goodbye to Kristie and Emery. Sitting on the couch in my home here feeling so very alone. I remember dislocating my shoulder playing soccer, drinking water that wasn’t boiled. I remember the first healing I saw.
I remember driving to Entebbe from Mityana and taking a picture out of the window and something I didn’t plan to take was in the picture: a sign that read “Slow Down” and god speaking to me about this sign and my life. I remember Williams broken window shield and god speaking to me through that. I remember traveling all over Europe completely alone, meeting angels here and there, a French guy on a train telling me when my stop was. an Italian customs officer who didn’t arrest me. A French customs officer telling me to remember to pray.
I remember sitting on the train heading to London begging god to not let me get arrested or lose the machete I had. Only to have him say “haven’t I done enough for you? haven’t I proven I will watch after you?” I remember the moment I let go of all the pain I had in my life, the moment I said I was ok.
I remember getting on a plane on my way home and thinking wow. I have been away from normal for more then two months!
After I got home life was different. I was different. I had become a man in many ways, (I’m still becoming a man in many ways) I wasn’t the same. I had many people tell me this. I remember Amber Fee telling me that I was different, more mature. I remember the feeling of culture shock, of feeling so confused and frustrated about life. I remember walking out of a service at Lion of Judah because I couldn’t stand to look at the school I helped build and feeling like I was stuck in a world I didn’t want to be a part of and having a friend right there that understood me.
I remember Trevor and Joel and I going to the break water In a storm and getting soaked! Then going to Boston pizza to meet with Heather, putting salt in all our waters to the point that Heather had the only non salted water! Haha. I remember telling one of my best friends something that to date she is the only one that knows that about me. And the relief and fear I felt in telling her. It makes me laugh to think of when I bought a watermelon took it to Jessica and Graces and asked to cut it there and never telling who it was for. I remember watching falling stars by lakes, going to out door movies, watermelon. I remember the feeling you get when you realize someone likes you and you like them. I remember the crazy fun i had in a cake eating contest with some of the best cake i have eaten. and did i mention watching shooting stars?!
I remember the way i felt (brought to tears) as City youth became one and prayed for me. the feeling i felt of knowing i was being sent off by my family there.
I think that might be enough memories for everyone. I guess what I’m saying is that as this year comes to an end, it’s hard to believe where I have come in the last year and a bit. I can’t believe I have been all over Europe and have stepped foot in three Africa countries, (one of those countries twice) and will hopefully add on a fourth by the end of this trip all in a years worth of time. I can’t believe that even now I can see I have become more of a man! I can get up and preach and it doesn’t bother me. I am learning a new language (slowly) I’m now brothers with an African named Chris, and an African named Joshua.
Man God you are incredible. To find some worth in a man like me. People say they wouldn’t change a thing about the past. Well I can tell you I wouldn’t change one moment, one breathe, or blink of an eye from this past year. I’m so glad I was rejected, because if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be where I’m right now and I wouldn’t be happy like I’m right now.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Culture shock
Culture is an interesting thing. If you are in Canada you pick up on cultural norms, if you’re in South America, Asia, or Africa; we all have different cultures. I have been sick for the past few days so I haven’t been doing a lot with myself other then resting.
But today as I went out side I put on my sandals, when I came back I stopped at the door, outside of it, removed my sandals and pushed them to the side, as I looked at this I was reminded of what little I know of Asia, the respect there is given to someone’s home. I thought about how when I am here when we great we start with praise God, followed by how people are and many other forms of greetings. Or the fact that woman get on there knees before as a sign of respect (I hate this). Thinking about this and writing about it now, I am reminded of when Christ told the disciples to go to the towns, the cities and the nations. But to go as they were; don’t go home and pack, don’t get your money out of the bank but just go. And when they went into a place and were given food, or housing, to lay a blessing on that home. See we as the church, as Christians being Christ like, have the power to bless others, when someone invites us in, one someone serves us we need to remember to bless them to ask God to bless them for what they are doing.
It’s been a hard few days for me in some ways because I don’t feel like I’m doing a lot at times. But the fact of the matter is I am not just here to do stuff for others, but I am here to learn as much as teach. I’m not that good of a preacher, not to adults at least, I can preach about 10-20 minutes worth so far, it doesn’t scare me anymore, but I feel like I’m not getting better at it. but that’s ok because Gods plan is different then mine. Sometimes he asks me to just stay at home and pray and worship and read my bible so I do that, granted it’s hard to do that at times, it gets boring quick for me.
The thing is, all this preaching I have been doing, taking on responsibility I don’t necessarily want God has been using to his own plans. I’m learning from it I’m becoming secure in whom he has made me; I no longer get nervous preaching, Or being the center of attention. I am secure in who God has made me and I’m learning to trust him through all that!
tomorrow we are starting a kids camp and with me feeling sick i'm praying i will be of use. so prayers would be great :)
But today as I went out side I put on my sandals, when I came back I stopped at the door, outside of it, removed my sandals and pushed them to the side, as I looked at this I was reminded of what little I know of Asia, the respect there is given to someone’s home. I thought about how when I am here when we great we start with praise God, followed by how people are and many other forms of greetings. Or the fact that woman get on there knees before as a sign of respect (I hate this). Thinking about this and writing about it now, I am reminded of when Christ told the disciples to go to the towns, the cities and the nations. But to go as they were; don’t go home and pack, don’t get your money out of the bank but just go. And when they went into a place and were given food, or housing, to lay a blessing on that home. See we as the church, as Christians being Christ like, have the power to bless others, when someone invites us in, one someone serves us we need to remember to bless them to ask God to bless them for what they are doing.
It’s been a hard few days for me in some ways because I don’t feel like I’m doing a lot at times. But the fact of the matter is I am not just here to do stuff for others, but I am here to learn as much as teach. I’m not that good of a preacher, not to adults at least, I can preach about 10-20 minutes worth so far, it doesn’t scare me anymore, but I feel like I’m not getting better at it. but that’s ok because Gods plan is different then mine. Sometimes he asks me to just stay at home and pray and worship and read my bible so I do that, granted it’s hard to do that at times, it gets boring quick for me.
The thing is, all this preaching I have been doing, taking on responsibility I don’t necessarily want God has been using to his own plans. I’m learning from it I’m becoming secure in whom he has made me; I no longer get nervous preaching, Or being the center of attention. I am secure in who God has made me and I’m learning to trust him through all that!
tomorrow we are starting a kids camp and with me feeling sick i'm praying i will be of use. so prayers would be great :)
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Lifehouse Youth
So today i sat down with pastor and talked about a dream i have. that dream is that once a week people from that ages of 15 to 25 would meet, for about 1.5 to 2 hrs, we would start with worship and prayer, then preaching and then group time. the point of this is to build each other and learn about god. pastor has given me the good ahead and i will be running it. I am excited and scared. i have never been the "head" of something like this. knowing that i will be preaching most weeks, leading worship, leading this whole thing. its a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure when we will be starting but my guess it will be earily in the new year or in the next couple of weeks. i will keep you posted.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I have resigned myself to reckless abandonment
It feels like forever since I have posted in my blog. Its been hard to find the words, to give a descriptive, informative post at times. But I will try to do so with this one.
God has been doing a lot of reshaping in me these last couple of weeks. Its been expected and at times unwelcome, but that is what happens when you tell god to do his worse.
Since the beginning of this trip God has been teaching me about Love, being on fire for god, trust, and being bold.
I spend a lot of time talking about God, resting in God, and talking about life with my pastor, my mentor, and my teacher, Robert Mponye. He is a great friend to me well I’m here.
My mind is always running a thousand miles a minute. When I sat on the bus ripping down roads covered in dirt and pot holes with the moon and some stars to help us navigate the terrain in Uganda, I remember just staring out and enjoying the view. I could see rolling mountains and grassy fields, all lit by the moon. Casting a beautiful silvery color over everything, I could see the shadows creeping around where the moon or stars couldn’t catch them. As if they were laughing because the light couldn’t reach them.
This is kind of like the devil. God will shine a light, but the enemy will try his best to hide in places and laugh because he thinks he has gotten where God can’t reach him. the problem is he forgets that the earth rotates and God isn’t happy to just stay in one place. I guess what I’m saying is, even when you sometimes feel like your stuck, away from your family, your best friends, away from everything you are happy with, when your stuck in a dark place it can be easily to lose sight of the fact that God shines even in those places.
I have had some dark days since arriving in Uganda. On that bus I finally felt safe once I was in Uganda, but I also miss my home, but I don’t mean home in the sense of the house I grow up in but rather, I miss the cold, I miss the snow, I miss the Christmas lights, laughing with family and friends, I miss my friends, and my family, I miss my girl. And sometimes the enemy gets in and this is all I can see. But then other times God reminds me why I’m here: to learn and grow. And so yes well I miss those things everyday and sometimes its harder then other times, I know that god will take care of me. I know that god is using me and is building a man in me that the world has yet to see. See I love in crazy love when he says, “there will never be another francis chan” because you know what. There will never be another Joel Peter Yager. I have one life to live and the tasks god has for my life no other human can complete. So everyday I feel like curling in a ball cuz I miss my life that is on pause for a moment, I remind myself that I’m here for the glory of god and that any task he asks me to complete I will do to his glory.
And when we surrender our lives to God you know what happens? You start to witness the unbelievable. You find your ok standing up in front of a church and bolding proclaiming that god is bringing a fresh anointing. You aren’t scared to stand up in front of 40 people, of which half are older then you, and tell them that God isn’t satisfied with Luke warm life’s and the timid. That he wants the people on fire and the ones that will be as bold as lions. When your asked twenty minutes before to take care of 80-100 kids for an hour and lead them in worship and preaching, you might joke around about it you might be a bit scared but you race home and you grab a guitar and race back to the school, look at your watch and see you have five minutes so you pull up the internet and find a song that is simple enough to teach play through it once and then you go and teach it to those kids, and you sing your lungs out and then preach.
Life really is easier when you just trust god and go with his flow.
God has been doing a lot of reshaping in me these last couple of weeks. Its been expected and at times unwelcome, but that is what happens when you tell god to do his worse.
Since the beginning of this trip God has been teaching me about Love, being on fire for god, trust, and being bold.
I spend a lot of time talking about God, resting in God, and talking about life with my pastor, my mentor, and my teacher, Robert Mponye. He is a great friend to me well I’m here.
My mind is always running a thousand miles a minute. When I sat on the bus ripping down roads covered in dirt and pot holes with the moon and some stars to help us navigate the terrain in Uganda, I remember just staring out and enjoying the view. I could see rolling mountains and grassy fields, all lit by the moon. Casting a beautiful silvery color over everything, I could see the shadows creeping around where the moon or stars couldn’t catch them. As if they were laughing because the light couldn’t reach them.
This is kind of like the devil. God will shine a light, but the enemy will try his best to hide in places and laugh because he thinks he has gotten where God can’t reach him. the problem is he forgets that the earth rotates and God isn’t happy to just stay in one place. I guess what I’m saying is, even when you sometimes feel like your stuck, away from your family, your best friends, away from everything you are happy with, when your stuck in a dark place it can be easily to lose sight of the fact that God shines even in those places.
I have had some dark days since arriving in Uganda. On that bus I finally felt safe once I was in Uganda, but I also miss my home, but I don’t mean home in the sense of the house I grow up in but rather, I miss the cold, I miss the snow, I miss the Christmas lights, laughing with family and friends, I miss my friends, and my family, I miss my girl. And sometimes the enemy gets in and this is all I can see. But then other times God reminds me why I’m here: to learn and grow. And so yes well I miss those things everyday and sometimes its harder then other times, I know that god will take care of me. I know that god is using me and is building a man in me that the world has yet to see. See I love in crazy love when he says, “there will never be another francis chan” because you know what. There will never be another Joel Peter Yager. I have one life to live and the tasks god has for my life no other human can complete. So everyday I feel like curling in a ball cuz I miss my life that is on pause for a moment, I remind myself that I’m here for the glory of god and that any task he asks me to complete I will do to his glory.
And when we surrender our lives to God you know what happens? You start to witness the unbelievable. You find your ok standing up in front of a church and bolding proclaiming that god is bringing a fresh anointing. You aren’t scared to stand up in front of 40 people, of which half are older then you, and tell them that God isn’t satisfied with Luke warm life’s and the timid. That he wants the people on fire and the ones that will be as bold as lions. When your asked twenty minutes before to take care of 80-100 kids for an hour and lead them in worship and preaching, you might joke around about it you might be a bit scared but you race home and you grab a guitar and race back to the school, look at your watch and see you have five minutes so you pull up the internet and find a song that is simple enough to teach play through it once and then you go and teach it to those kids, and you sing your lungs out and then preach.
Life really is easier when you just trust god and go with his flow.
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