To Write your Wrongs

as i sit here the clock says its 12:36 AM to me it feels like it should be about 1PM.

i'm listening to a song called My Name by Classic crime. the only light in my room is coming from my computer screen and a lamp on a desk by my bed.

i have been back for about a week now and for the first time i feel so far from normal. how odd is that? i thought being home would make me feel normal but, being home makes me feel far from it!

so many things have happened in the last 5 months of my life. i don't know were to begin. i don't know what to share, what to censor, what names do i mention? what names to i leave unmentioned?

i have been asked the same question over a hundred times since i left africa, "what was it like?" its coming in many forms. "dude your back?! how was it?" OMGOSH YAGS IS BACK TELL ME EVERYTHING. or straight up. tell me one story.

the thing is there isn't one story that shaped or changed me. its everything. as i think back i can trace everyday as if it happened moments ago. i can smell the stench of rotting meat, of rank fruit. the smell of a nearby fire. i can see the cock roach running under my feet. i can see the people as if there in front of me. i miss africa. before i left for africa i was a shell. an empty shell that had no purpose. i hated my life. i was angry with god. i didn't understand the situations i was in. i didn't care for family, friends, anything. but then i met a friend that got me thinking about life again. they got me into my bible. they got me crying out to god for answers. his answers came around the first of january. news that i could go on a missions trip to uganda, i jumped at it hoping it was god. and man was it god!

i decided on one thing in that moment. besides that i was going on this trip i made a choice. and i told god flat out. "i'm going, and i'm chasing you, so you better meet me" i made the choice to pursue god to freaking africa! but i didn't stop once i caught up to him. everyday he challanged me. i had to learn to work in a team. i had to step out in front of hundreds of people and share testomonies. i was asked to preach in a church my first sunday, i was asked to lead worship for 100 kids. this was just in the first week! after that i began to preach to the kids on a regular basis. i was asked to believe that god would heal someone that wanted to be healed. this wasn't totaly out of my comfort zone as i had been in churchs were ppl would claim to be healed (DISCLAIMER: i'm not saying they weren't healed) but when you see a man that had a messed up back begin to dance, its a different story! when you feel a 2 yr olds lungs in your hand begin to breathe properly. you can't explain that feeling.

the pictures don't do my trip justice. they don't explain the moment were you stand there with two friends and pray with them and look in there eyes and see the exhaustion because they have been praying for an hr for one person and have yet to see them healed. they don't explain the moment when you walk up to one of your closest friends that you made on the trip and say to them "I just need a hug" and then break down in the arms. that's not me, at least that's not the me many people have seen. that feeling as the embrace you as you try to choke back tears but you can't. as the tears cascade down your cheeks. i saw many things on the trip. i saw strong humans break down at the injustice they saw, these are people on my team. i said i would be strong i woudln't let it effect me. but theres one thing literaly only two people know about on this trip. one day i couldn't take it. i was exhausted i was sick of what i was seeing i was tired of praying i just wanted a break. so i walked behind a building i was standing a few inchs from the wall and just fell against it and slide down to a crouch from there i burried my face in my hands and begged god to refill me. to help me.

its been a week. i have tried to become apart of society again. but i can't. i refuse to. i don't want to be apart of what we call normal. because why on earth would i wonna settle for second best? i got the best when i was in africa. and its not different in canada. i refuse to settle for normal. i refuse to say i could only get what i got in africa, in africa! thats not the god i serve.

when i left for uganda i was broken. i was a mess. but i asked god to fix me. and he did. he brought my attention to one of my favorite verses. Matthew 11:28. "Come all you weary and find rest for your souls. lay down your burden and learn from me. for my yoke is easy and my spirit is kind." its not exact, but thats roughly the verse. the version i usualy go by is now perminently on my left shoulder: "Come all you weary with your heavy loads. lay down your burdens find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. i'll take yours upon me if you will take mine. Matthew 11:28" that is whats on my back.

everyday this verse came up in my life well i was away. i preached on it at a church. i talked about it all the time. i read it. and asked god about it. until one day as i sat there it dawned on me how much it meant to me. and how i didn't want to forget about it. so i decided around Feb 12th. that on my way back home i would get it tattooed on my back so i would never forget. and i never will now!

but this pursuit i have been talking about. i chased god to africa, he taught me about being weary, about being broken. he talked to me about being healed, being fixed. he taught me what it was to love. to agape love. i don't claim to be wise. but i do claim to have learned from god. i learned to trust god in the quiet. and then i would hear from him. he would speak to me. two times come to mind.

the day i was praying and god said to me: "i have waitd your whole life for Jan 24th when your feet would step unto Ugandan soil." and another time on the train when i was worried about dealing with customs: "Why do you doubt me? you saw the deaf hear, the blind see. you saw many people saved. you stood 5 feet from a hippo. yet you still don't trust me?"

trust is the big one. if theres one thing i can say about this trip. i learned to trust. i learned to believe god will always be with me.

i think i'm rambling now...i dunno if i wrote this because someone needs to read it. or because i needed to write it. but i guess if you are going to take anything from what i have said:

Chase god. theres nothing better then pursuing god. if you think a Girlfriend or a boyfriend is a nice thing. try spending a few weeks truely pursuing god. its the most amazing thing you will ever experience. and when you catch up, and he drops that little shard of him that little bread crum, grab hold of it. savor it. but remember, when you chase god you have to give things up. its not easy, but god wants your wrongs layed before him. when you chase him you need to be prepared for being layed naked before god. everything, your deepest thoughts, your pains, what makes you happy. everything. God sees you for you. he sees the side of you no one else will ever see. so be prepared to write your wrongs.

A Generation Divided

Quite a few years ago i came up with the name: A generation divided.

it was meant to be me, the youth, a people lost to a world. today. i have taken on this name in my blog because our generation is so lost and broken. and my goal in life is to be a city on a hill to those lost and broken!